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The X-Files: Five-Minute "Jose Chung's From Outer Space"

by Derek Dean

Harold: We should do one of those episodes where everybody tells their version of the events.
Chrissy: Okay, but since this is The X-Files, the weirdest version has to be the correct one.
Harold: Deal! Now, what can we use for our story?
Gray Alien 1: How about this?
Harold: That'll do.
Gray Alien 2: How about that?
Lord Kinbote: Roar!
Gray Alien 1: That'll do.

Chung: I am the titular Jose Chung, and I am typing the titular tome titled From Outer Space.
Scully: You're just looking for an excuse to be alliterative, aren't you?
Chung: 'Tis a titillating thrill, yes. But please, on with your version of the story.

Scully: So Chrissy looked like she had been date raped instead of abducted. However, later that night...
Harold: Chrissy, I didn't try to rape you! Let me make a holographic recreation of the events and prove it!
Chrissy: You watch Star Trek? You're such a loser.

Scully: After that incident, we arrested Harold, who tried to stun us with his toy phaser.
Harold: We were abducted by aliens! They beamed us up on their ship!
Manners: You are such a geek.

Scully: Then Mulder decided to interrogate him.
Harold: Yeah, I bagged her. Who da man?
Mulder: You are such a punk.

Scully: Then Mulder brought in the girl for hypnosis, though I was suspicious of the hypnotist.
Fingers: So how many times did the aliens probe you?
Chrissy: I'm in a dark room. There are clicking sounds. I can see Riker on a table next to me.
Fingers: Stop avoiding the question!

Harold: Actually, what Chrissy just told you was a lie. Here's what really happened.
Mulder: Crap. A flashback in a flashback... how are we supposed to do that?
** Harold: Get your hands off me, you bleep dirty alien.
** Gray Alien 2: Charlton Heston you're not.
Mulder: Charlton Heston is an alien? I knew it!
Harold: Quiet! You're ruining my story. As I was saying....
** Chrissy: Um, where am I?
** Harold: Trapped in a little cage with me. The aliens want to study human mating, so you might as well go ahead and sleep with me.
** Chrissy: Nice try, loser.
Harold: But she slept with me anyway. Or at least that's my version of the story.

Scully: So then we got a call from someone who "witnessed" the abduction.
Roky: I wrote down everything that happened in this book. But first, a flashback.
Mulder: Oh, great. Not again.
** Agent A: Threatening you. And I don't.
** Roky: What are you doing here? Why do you look like Alex Trebek?
** Agent J: Just flashy-thing him.
** Agent A: I forgot my shades.
** Agent J: Crap, me too.

Scully: So what does Roky's book say?
Mulder: "As I sat in my truck, I suddenly experienced yet another flashback...."
** Kinbote: Roky, I am a cheesy effect. Follow me into the mines of Moria.
Mulder: This guy's story even has hobbits in it!

Scully: So it turns out the guy had basically written a fiver of his experiences, one that was only slightly more coherent than this fiver.
Scully: Who would write such pedantic drivel? Why are you still reading that?
Mulder: Sounds like it could make a good movie.

Scully: Then Mulder brought in the girl for hypnosis... again.
Fingers: Where did the aliens touch you?
Chrissy: I'm in a room with a Bolian, a Mizarian, and a Chalnoth.
Fingers: That's not what I asked!

Blaine: I know this sounds crazy, but "Booga WOOGA weehaha!"
Chung: Actually, it just sounds stupid. But tell me your version of what happened anyway.
Blaine: I found an alien, but the government came and took it away.
Chung: Well, that's what you get for not claiming him on your taxes.

Scully: Hey, we let him videotape the autopsy.
Chung: He said he liked the alien better when it was alive.

Yappi: (on TV) Is this really an alien autopsy? Is this more blatant self-parody? Is Fox promoting its own alien autopsy show?
Scully: The sad thing is Yappi doesn't even show the results of our findings.
Manners: Hey, that's just a guy in an alien costume!
Mulder: Well, that explains the bag of candy.

Mulder: So tell me what happened to you without a flashback.
Schaffer: I was abducted by aliens.
Mulder: Well, you're a help.

Chung: That's not what I heard happened. What I heard went like this:
Mulder: So tell me what happened to you without a flashback.
Mulder: Well, you're a help.

Agent A: She went to get some ice.
Mulder: Where's Scully?
Agent A: Correct.
Mulder: Hey, you look like Alex Trebek!
Agent J: Yeah, like the Men in Black would hire such notable celebrities.
Mulder: This coming from a future governor of Minnesota.

Manners: See? No UFOs. Just experimental planes.
Mulder: I want to believe, but I don't.

Scully: And that's all I have to say about that.

From Outer Space: Geez, all of those guys were losers. Except the author. Yeah.
(From Outer Space becomes a bestseller at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 9, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the eternally misnamed 20th-Century Fox. 5MV's intent isn't to infringe on that, though I'm tempted where Fox is concerned. Hey, think Mulder was named after them?

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.