The Monkey's Paw Game

[Opium]

You don't have to work tomorow, but you do have to work every other day of the year while listening to EZ Listening Musak version of "Tiny Bubbles".


I wish I had time to stay up and read all night without feeling tired the next day.

[Xeroc]

But now you can never go to sleep! Mwahahaha!


I wish for cool sunglasses. :)

[persianmouse]

You get them, but you wear them at night, and so you must be Corey Hart, and your life is all about NA and VH1's Where Are They Now residuals.

I wish I had a pony.

[Xeroc]

It's an eeeeevil pony.


I wish for better catchphrases.

[Opium]

You get them, but you end up living in the 80's for eternity, as all good catchphrases ended or started then.


I wish I had been in the movie version of Chicago.

[Chancellor Valium]

You were. Unfortunately it's the movie version of the city Chicago...........

I wish people would laugh at my jokes.........

[Xeroc]

They do, but they're laughing at you, not with you.


I wish :( :arrow: :) !

[Chancellor Valium]

It does, but the equation works both ways.......

I wish I wasn't Jim Cringkinknutt (whose name is Tom Phlatlock).

[persianmouse]

Okay, fine your not, you are Chanceller Valium, the sedated overlord of the non-specific, chuthullu-esque avatars, and five-minute forum-goer extrodinaire.

I wish Conner Trineer was my love slave.

[Opium]

He is, but it turns out he sings Broadway showtunes out-ot-tune all day long, and only sleeps in burlap sacks.


I wish the local newspapers weren't so whiny.

[persianmouse]

They're not, but then they all have names like The Toronto Suck My Dick if You Don't Like My Biased Opinions, and The Quebec (something vulgar in French), and yell and insult you while you read them.

I wish I had webbed toes.

(pssst, that's perfectly fine about the showtunes and the burlap sack, I don't mind. :twisted:)

[Chancellor Valium]

You do, but everyone laughs at you.

I wish people found obscure '20s songs as funny as I do.......

[Opium]

Some people, such as Opium, do, and you realize you may have very weird tastes indeed.


I wish my professor would lighten up a little over attendance.

[Chancellor Valium]

He does. He lightens up so much he now stays in bed all day!

I wish for the resurrection of the greatest comedic genii ever to create the ultimate hilarious comedy show.......

[Opium]

He does return, but he returns as my professor, who is a woman and would only tell jokes that are funny to those who study English Literature extensivly.


I wish there was a D'OH avatar.

[Xeroc]

There is! Now - find it. :twisted:


I wish I had scratch-proof glass on my glasses.

[Opium]

You have scratch-proof glasses, but they are made of diamond and are so valuable you have to keep them in a safe all the time, so you never actually wear them.


I wish the new OLP single was on at least once an hour on the radio station I listen to.

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. And you become sick of it. And they keep playing it until YOUR BRAIN DECOMPRESSES! AHAHAHAA! Ahem.

I wish sanity was a bit easier to achieve....

[persianmouse]

It is, but then life becomes so very dull....

I wish I wasn't lactose-intolerant.

[Chancellor Valium]

You're not. But the trade-off is that you have to change your name to Oestrogen F. Pottingshed, and everyone laughs at you All. Day. Long.

I wish those Hyper-Tiny Mutant Llamas would GO AWAY!

[persianmouse]

Fine, they go away, but now you have nothing to carry around all your tiny bindels full of tiny spices and tiny silks on the tiny trade route from tiny Nepal to tiny Constantinople.

I wish I lived in a world designed by Neil Gaiman...

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. You get killed when you fail to escape to Mornington Crescent, though.

I wish more people played Mornington Crescent.

[NeoMatrix]

We try, but we end up falling asleep reading the directions

I wish someone would come up with a new game for us to play on here.

[Chancellor Valium]

I have, but no-one plays them :(

I wish people would post more.

[Xeroc]

They do, but it's all nonsense ... all nonsense! Wait ...


I wish to be able to move at the speed of light!

[Chancellor Valium]

You can, but you die in the process of collapsing down to a point of infinite density but no mass (is that the right way round?)

I wish it was sunny.

[NAHTMMM]

It's sunny.

This probably means trouble on a global scale, because it's midnight at the moment...



I wish people were kinder to each other.

[persianmouse]

People are nicer to each other, but that makes us the Star Trek universe, so our universe, and everything in it gets cancelled. :(

I wish that the Enterprise relaunch in books is actually good.

[Chancellor Valium]

It is. Unfortunately, it's not actually much to do with Enterprise - the pilot novel is in fact called "Doctor Who and the Prisoner of Alderaan".

I wish more people were around to chat.......

[NeoMatrix]

There are, but they are sex offenders who just want to talk dirty to you.

I wish for the entire star trek collection on DVD

[Chancellor Valium]

Oh, they exist. They're just not on sale.................until 2458 :twisted: MWAHAHA!

And I wish for the world to be the way it should be according to MY GRAND DESIGN, AHAHAHAHA!

[Xeroc]

Okay, where do you want the first oxygen molecule? :twisted:


I wish to be able to buy anything for free!

[persianmouse]

Fine, but then youy will no longer want for anything, and then be filled with an all-consuming sense of ennui, and spend the rest of your short days pondering the paradox of 'buying' something for 'free', until you go mad and drooling, like Kafka, but not as famous.

I wish I could spell.

[Chancellor Valium]

you can. You're a spellchecker

I wish there were enough emoticons to show the true strength and etc of my feelings......

[NeoMatrix]

There are, but you go insane trying to figure out if you want to use horny devil with a pie or the horny devil with his pointed tongue in a pie or a horny devil blowing a bubble while in a pie

I wish for something

[NAHTMMM]

The something is an Acme safe. And it's parachute-dropped by express airmail.
Without a parachute.




I wish Time were indeed on my side.

[NeoMatrix]

Time magazine just called to tell you they want to award you with a pie.

I wish for more toys!

[Xeroc]

Infinite toys appear and crush you into near-nothingness as you are in a finite space.


I wish for a wish without loopholes.

[NeoMatrix]

Since all wishes have loopholes, this one is no exception. You know have an infinite pile of loopholes.

I wish it was easier to find things you need on the internet much faster

[Xeroc]

It is easier, just not much easier.


I wish for a flying car.

[Opium]

You get a flying car, but it's a Datsun.


I wish I hadn't had a junk food day. Doh!

[Michiel]

You didn't. You had a junk food year, and are now so fat you can't reach your keyboard.

I wish this wish had a loophole.

[Xeroc]

It does! But that doesn't get you anywhere. :)


I wish that this post was funnier.

[Katy Jane]

It was funnier, so funny infact that all the forum goers died laughing :p


I wish i didn't have to go to work.

[Chancellor Valium]

You don't. You don't exist, that is!

I wish Douglas Adams had finished "The Salmon of Doubt" :cry: :(

[Opium]

He does, and the butler did it, along with the French maid who was really the exiled Russian Queen of Siberia, and TopHatMan.


I wish I didn't have to pack but instead could read HP 6 all night long.

[Chancellor Valium]

You can. But then you won't have anything packed for the morning :twisted:

I wish that once in a while people would USE THEIR COMMON SENSE!

[Xeroc]

They do, sadly, but their common sense is lousy.


I wish that subjects were subjected to subjective screening.

[Chancellor Valium]

They are! With gamma rays. Your the first test subject :twisted:

I wish I could ask Mr. Wu what I should do.......

[Xeroc]

Wu'd you get a good answer? Unfortunately not.


I wish these stupid flies wouldn't come into my house.

[Chancellor Valium]

They don't. They just nest in your hair when you go out :twisted:

I wish that blasted crooning music would TURN ITS-ZARKING-SELF OFF!

[Xeroc]

It does, but then realizes to do this, it now has sentience and becomes infiniely ever annyoying!


I wish people would quit twisting these wishes.

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. Then everyone gets what they want and everyone turns into selfish bastards.

I wish people would build me Croydon Airport....

[Opium]

Queen Elizabeth buys it for you, but you don't take possession of it until 2347 and can not make money from it until then, either.

[Chancellor Valium]

Since you made no wish, you get nuttin'. Ever again.

[persianmouse]

Well, since you made no wish neither, you get nuttin'. Ever again.

I wish I had invented the spork.

[Chancellor Valium]

You did, and sporked your eyes out with it!

I wish for a song like the Llama Song!

[Vedra]

You get a song like the Llama song, but it draws the attention of a pack of hungry elephant-bear hybrids that just escaped from a lab, and they maul you to death for peanuts.

I wish I didn't have this stupid monkey's paw.

[Chancellor Valium]

You don't. Now you have to watch everyone ELSE get lucky with it!

I wish Zeke had the ability to finish work on a fiver faster than a speeding bullet!

[persianmouse]

He would, but then they wouldn't be funny.... (oh, wait...) :twisted:

I wish this fly wasn't buzzing around my computer screen, pissing me off.

[Chancellor Valium]

It isn't. You accdentally swallowed it.

I wish I had more time.....

[persianmouse]

Well, you don't, so now I have to shove this bomb up your ass and explode you from the inside.

I wish more people appreciated the beauty that is pie.

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. Then they're all as sadistic, twisted, and warped as you.

I wish more people understood the beauty of Hunter-Killer Droids...

[richardson]

They do, and send them after you, thus utterly wiping you from the galaxy.


I wish I could have found a way to make an uber cool, freaky and awsome return entrance, preferably with some kind of star destroyer.....

AND A LIGHTSABER....

NO-NO! TWO LIGHTSABERS!

[Chancellor Valium]

You did, but due to your utter n00bishness with sabres, everyone laughs at you.

I wish people would recognise true Palpatinicity.

[richardson]

They do, but now it gets destroyed on sight.

I wish I had some skills with dem stupid sabers....

[Xeroc]

Okay, you have a few sabers... Saber-Tooth Tigers, that is!


I wish for a million wishes.

[Opium]

You get a million wishes, but they all have to involved watching "Dukes of Hazzard meets The Flinstones".


I wish I had a million dollars, but a real million dollars, that'd be cruel...

[persianmouse]

You do, and the first thing you buy is that monkey you've always wanted, and then the monkey craps all over your house, steals the rest of the money and gives it to his monkey friends, you blow it on cigarettes, booze, and monkey hookers (or monkubines, if you will). You will then be on the news, as the woman who had her million dollars stolen by a monkey. Then people will point and laugh at you on the street, and you will forever be known as 'The Monkey Lady', and will become a loner and a hermit, and start collecting broken furniture and old mattresses in your yard, and forego bathing. Eventually, you will be taken away by the authorities, dragged out of the house in a thread-bare nightgown and house slippers, thinning hair done up in an askew bun, toothless mouth screaming about communists and monkeys.


I wish Enterprise hadn't been cancelled.

[Opium]

It isn't cancelled; however, it is now written by Trip/Sato/EvilFutureGuy 'shippers.

I wish Judging Amy hadn't been cancelled.

[persianmouse]

It isn't, but now it's written by Amy/Vincent 'shippers. :twisted:

I wish I had my own personal soundtrack.

[Xeroc]

Yeah, but it's annoying like... well, something really annoying.


I wish I could see the future.

[NeoMatrix]

Wait one second and you see the future,

I wish it was easier to understand women

[Opium]

It is easier, but because you are a woman.


I wish men would share their emotions more.

[persianmouse]

They do, but then you find out all men are assholes.

I wish I could get laid tonight.

[Opium]

It would have come true, but because no-one posted, it didn't.


I wish that I could sing away the blues.

[stripysox]

Oh you sing away the blues, you sing away the blues so effectively that you become permanently happy and eventuallly get shot my.. err.. me for whistly cheerfully first thing in the morning.

I wish they would re-run Due South in the UK.

[Opium]

They do re-run Due South, but only the last season, and never the really fun first few seasons. Also, they blur out Paul Gross's entire face and replace it with Britney.


I wish that there was a 24-hour on-demand CSI channel.

[whoiam]

The CSI channel is created, but the very first episode links you to the murder of the old network executives, and you get sent to prison faster then you can set the VCR.

I wish Hotaru's Britneybots would all disappear in a flash of illogic.

[richardson]

They do, because the Illogic ended the whole universe.

I wish I had absolute certainty I was going to win the Etrekathon, with Yodck as my running mate... (What can I say, like him I do.... :roll: )

[Opium]

You don't win the eTrektion, as Morphine wins all the votes, but you do get a nice pie. :P


I wish that LOST was on more.

[whoiam]

Lost is on more, but in a staggering twist of irony, you can't ever find a tv to watch it on!

I wish I knew what a dsokdopach was...

[Opium]

You find out what it is, but like that Radiohead video "Just", you end up lying on the street unable to move while people bug you to tell them what it is.


I wish I was in that Radiohead video "Just".

[Chancellor Valium]

Yo do. But ONLY that. Nothing else.

I wish children with lightsabres would stop thinking themselves Jedi.....

[whoiam]

Chancellor Valium: They stop thinking of themselves as Jedi, and instead become lightsaber-weilding bandits who rob you blind repeatedly

Opium: You are, but you are also stuck lying on the street beside me (the ultimate horror - spending time with *me*:P)

(well, it looks like you are both replying to me - so I replied to you both)

I wish I had a copy of this site optomised for PDAs and Smartphones and suchlike...

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. Unfortunately, you no longer have a smartphone :P

I wish I knew where the Sith are striking from....

[richardson]

You do, but you end up becoming the guy the galaxy relys upon to save it from the evil, icky sith, AGAIN, and have to put up with about 10 dysfunctional psycopaths for about a year.

I wish I could erase the timelords so they'll stop chasing me around before we ALL (Yes, valium, your meddling is damaging the space-time continuum too. ) get in enough trouble to bring in Q, and his buddies.

[whoiam]

The timelords disappear... but then Q and his buddies have to step in anyway to cover for them.

I wish I knew what to wish for

[richardson]

You do, but the wish cannot be granted because you already used your wish, and you're haunted by it for the rest of your days, which last about 20 minutes until somebody messes around with time again and accidentally erases your family from the universe. Oops.

I wish I could convince (Formerly) Darth Revan to come back from the past with me and teach some sweet fighting moves to Yodck.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do, but Revan sees what a meddler you are, and instead kills you and your abomination :P

I wish richardson would stop his vain attempts to run away....
(no, my actions don't. Because us Time Lords can simply remanipulate stuff so you never existed...And the Q are irrelevant. You try and bring them in and I'll set Valentine Dyall wearing a dead bird on his head on you :P )

[Opium]

You do, but then everyone else runs away!

I wish I could wish on a star and have it happen instantly.

[whoiam]

Whilst all upon-a-star wishes become instant, the number of shooting stars drops immediately to 0, and stays there forever.

I wish I had my own antimatter reactor...

[Chancellor Valium]

Whilst all upon-a-star wishes become instant, the number of shooting stars drops immediately to 0, and stays there forever.

I wish I had my own antimatter reactor...

It blows up in your face.

I wish that people would stop making me electrocute htem....

[Xeroc]

Okay, now they make you electrocute yourself! :twisted:


I wish for twice as much time in each day to get all this dang work done.

[NeoMatrix]

You also get twice the work.

I wish I can find a better job

I wish I could convince (Formerly) Darth Revan to come back from the past with me and teach some sweet fighting moves to Yodck.

Are you referring to the Star Wars Knights of the Republic game?

[whoiam]

You can find the job, easily enough, but you can never get it.

(yes, he is)

I wish I was a lumberjack...

[Chancellor Valium]

You can find the job, easily enough, but you can never get it.

(yes, he is)

I wish I was a lumberjack...

You are, but everyone is scared of you because of your obsession with wearing nothing but a bra...

(yes, he is indeed...and a very good game it is too! Just don't get the sequel :wink: )

I wish that people would stop meddling with causality, continuity and space/time in general...

[Xeroc]

Now everything's boring!


I wish for better reception on this dang cellphone.

[Chancellor Valium]

Now there is. And it's not your cellphone, so you get turned on by the police-sheep of Beaumaris,who eat you :twisted:

I wish that ALL fora were more active.....

[Xeroc]

They are ... with Spambots!


I wish ... for Pie!

[whoiam]

You get PIE... of LEOLA ROOTS!

I wish I could see Neelix dismembered by the rest of the Voyager Crew.

[richardson]

He does, but then your favorite character becomes annoying as a replacement.

(The sequal wasn't so bad. Kinda sucky ending though. Still cool. Less numbers.)

I wish I could sick Q on Vallium for a little bit, AND TAKE OVER FMC!!!!!!

*Psyco Evil Laugh.*

[Chancellor Valium]

You do, unfortunately, though, I bore him to death with the past twenty-thousand years of holiday snaps....

(I don't agree. The end is sucky, but the large amount of cut content makes a nonsense of the plot)

I wish McCheese!

[Xeroc]

Error -42: wishes must be complete sentences.


I wish this computer would work perfectly.

[whoiam]

It does, but never when you are around.

I wish I'd used a Genie's lamp instead of this stupid Monkey's Paw...

[richardson]

Every wish, corrupts he does! Insane you go! *Yoda like laugh.*

Found do I wish my running mate, annoying it is with such silence.

[whoiam]

The monkey's paw takes as long to translate your wish as I did, and you have died of old age before it finishes.

I wish it were raining latinum, without the worthless gold casing...

[Xeroc]

Okay, but lots of people get seriously injured, including you, and it's worthless because now everyone has more than they want.


I wish I could run at the speed of light (or less, at my option), without getting hurt in any way.

[whoiam]

The first time you make it to lightspeed, relative time dilation means that by the time you have finished your 10 minute morning jog, everyone you know has died of old age and *PIE HAS BECOME EXTINCT*!

I wish everyone here thought I was lazy.

[persianmouse]

We already do. That's why we call you "slothiam" behind your back.

I wish I hadn't stayed away from here for so long, the place sure looks different.

[e of pi]

Well, I think you mean "I wish I had registered here earlier. This Place looks rather creepy." And yes, it is.

I wish Zeke would update more often.

[whoiam]

(persianmouse's been registered over a year already...)

He does, but for some reason, the updates cease to be amusing satires and turn into depressing slash-filled trash.

I wish this empty 6-pack of cokes wasn't empty...

[e of pi]

It isn't, but it's full of bacteria infested pond water.

I wish that I had checked that detail first.

[whoiam]

You did, but misread the date as being 2006 instead of 2004.

I wish I'd be fine with a bed beneath the stars that shine...

(bonus virtua-pie heading to whoever can guess what I'm listening to;))

[e of pi]

Don't believe the truth. You'd be stuck in the desert nowhere near an oasis.

I wish I was old enough to vote. The people who can make stupid decisions.

[NeoMatrix]

When you finally get to vote, you decide to vote with a write-in, Janeway. However, so did every other Trekkie.

I wish for more fivers from Voyager

[Chancellor Valium]

You do! Unfortunately, now you wrote all the worst episodes...


I wish for a Complex, with shifting walls.

[whoiam]

You get it, but the walls succeed in crushing you the very way we didn't want Opium to be crushed...

I wish I'd remembered to make it to breakfast this morning

[Chancellor Valium]

You did, but unfortunately ate someone's foot, mistaking it, exhausted as you were, for your cereal...

[e of pi]

You forgot a wish.

[Xeroc]

As did you!


I wish people would stop forgetting wishes around here!

[e of pi]

They will, but you can't think of responses to them.

I wish I weren't assimilated. But don't tell the Collective. Mental reformating hurts.

[whoiam]

You weren't assimilated.... they juidged you unworthy and just killed you outright.

I wish I had a domesticated attack-Jaguar.

[e of pi]

You do, but true to cat form, it always claws all the flesh from your legs when it doesn't like the cat food.

I wish my computer would stop duplicating all of my posts.

[whoiam]

It does stop duplicating them. It also stops posting them.

I wish I had a kavorkian scarf.

[Anonymous]

You do, but it gets sued for performing unrequested assisted suicide. Of course, being the victim, you could care less.

I wish this banana was an apple.

[e of pi]

Scratch that. I wish my computer would stop logging me out at random times, yet always just before I post.

[Chancellor Valium]

It does. Now it simply electrocutes you at random intervals instead.

I wish I could picture myself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and a marmalade sky....

[whoiam]

You can. Unfortunately, William Shatner's singing voice accompanies the vision.

I wish C.V. would stop going on about that song...

[e of pi]

He does, but evryone else starts.

I wish I didn't have so much homework.

[whoiam]

You don't have 'so much'. You have 'far too much'.

I wish I had a saxaphone

[NeoMatrix]

You get one off ebay, but it use to belong to Bill Clinton

I wish Christmas would get here sooner

[e of pi]

It does. Unfourtunately, you have to be a mall Santa.

I wish my home internet were working again.

[NeoMatrix]

It works when you are not home

I wish I could win a Xbox360

[Chancellor Valium]

You can. You still don't.

I wish that nothing was real...

[whoiam]

The entire universe is a giant virtual particle. So nothing actually *is* real, but it makes not a jot of difference.

I wish my fortune in Gold Pressed Latinum was real...

[Chancellor Valium]

It is. So are the fraud squad investigating it's disappearance.

I wish to be happy.

[e of pi]

You are. Unfortunately, your Prozac perscription is about to expire :D

I wish I didn't have to stay up to 2:00 AM two nights into a row.

[NeoMatrix]

Well, you don't, but now you get to stay up later thanks to your promotion as an overnight Wal-mart stocker.

[NeoMatrix]

Well, you don't, but now you get to stay up later thanks to your promotion as an overnight Wal-mart stocker.

I wish I can rearrange my sleeping schedule by Monday night.

(Yep, I am now an overnight stocker at the store I work at. Bad news is that I have to change my sleeping pattern)

[e of pi]

You can. However, the USS Relativity busts you for the twelve-hour time jump.

I wish Trek was real.

[Xeroc]

It is. And you're a redshirt.


I wish I had a cool new laptop computer.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. You also spend the next few years in a prison in Bogna Regis.

I wish for a boat on a river.

[e of pi]

You have it! Unfourtunately, Lucy turns out to be a real bitch.

I wish my life had an undo button.

[Chancellor Valium]

It does! You never existed!

I wish I could change some of my past mistakes...

[Xeroc]

You can, but get it all wrong again, just in a different way.


I wish nothing bad would happen to me.

[Chancellor Valium]

Nothing does. You never existed.

I wish that DS9 had lasted longer....

[Opium]

It did, but it was done with Claymation.

I wish Buffy hadn't ended so badly.

[whoiam]

It didn't - the ending was good, but the rest of it was absolute ***** **** **** *************.

I wish my computer hadn't died on Friday.

[e of pi]

It didn't. Instead, it died just before you really needed it desperetly.

I wish I could spell better.

[whoiam]

You can, but its at the cost of everyone else's spelling, and so you simply get annoyed by all *our* mistakes.

I wish I had more chocolate...

[e of pi]

You do. Unfortunately, it's all raindeer chocolate.

I wish my homework was finished.

[whoiam]

It is. Its also over 2 months late.

*braces self*

I wish I were a girly, just like my dear papa...

[Anonymous]

Huh?

[e of pi]

Wish it wouldn't do that.

[whoiam]

((you don't recognise the lumberjack song? *sigh* honestly...))

[Opium]

You are a girly like your dear papa, but because you papa was a woman, you weren't born, and are only a theory in some scientist's lab.


I wish happiness was a fish I could catch.

[e of pi]

It is. Unfortuanately, it carries an untreatable disease that causes your slow and painful death by overly high levels of certian neurotransmitters in the brain.

I wish my World CIv work was due thursday, not wendsday.

[whoiam]

It is due thursday. Last thursday.

I wish I was a Lion Tamer

[Xeroc]

You are, but not a very good one. :twisted:


I wish that I had a flying car.

[e of pi]

You do. Unfortunately, JATO rockets only last so long...

Wish Update: Dang creepy, but as it turns out, my homework won't be due until Monday.

I wish I were an Ocar Meyer Wiener/That is what I truly want to be/For if I were an Ocsar Meyer Wiener/Everyone would be in love with me.

[Xeroc]

And eat you.


I wish I could think of a wish that's impossible to twist.

[e of pi]

You do! But this thread gets really boring, real quick.

I wish no one would respond to this post.

[Xeroc]

Well, I'm definitely not a one, I'm a Xeroc! So I respond to your post! :P


I wish I had a projection TV.

[e of pi]

You do. Unfortunately, it only updates the projection every five seconds.

I almost killed this thread.

[Hotaru]

Was that a wish? I dunno.... ^^;


I wish that I could get my money back from withdrawing from Engl 2201.

[Xeroc]

You do, but then as a requirement for the refund, you have to take 10 more horrible classes!


I wish that the coins would stop falling out of my wallet every time it's opened.

[Opium]

You get a WalletSuperSaverTronic 3000 that keeps your coins nice and safe in your wallet-so safe you can't open it to get anything out! It just takes money in!

I wish I had handed in the audit-class forms on time...

[whoiam]

You did, unfortunately, you handed them in completely blank.

I wish I had more computers.

[e of pi]

You do! Unfortunately, you wind in the alcove next to me.

I wish I could buy the universe a cola-flavored carbonated beverage/
laced with nanoprobes.
I'd like to teach the world to think in perfect harmony.

[whoiam]

Whilst you do buy the beverage for the universe, it turns out that celestial bodies are immune to nanoprobes.

I wish I had two saturdays and no friday each week.

[e of pi]

You do! Unfortunately, you have your Friday activities on the first Saturday.

I wish I had another wish.

[Opium]

You do, but you wish that all your computers and money go to Opium and it is granted.


I wish the above answer to the wish didn't look like I was accusing someone of wanting to do drugs. :twisted:

[whoiam]

The wish is granted.... by Zeke changing your sign-in name to "Forum Plaything"....

I wish I could rewrite other people's sign-in names...

[e of pi]

You can! Unfortunately, so can everyone else.

I wish I had less homework.

[A person]

You do, but it's much harder and takes longer.

I wish I had a pocket rocket.

[whoiam]

You do. It rips your pocket clean off your trousers, however.

I wish we were all in the same timezone.

[e of pi]

We are, but no one's ever on at the same time despite that fact.

I wish I hadn't been badgering person.

[Opium]

You weren't, but it was because you had turned into a real badger dog (a dachshund) and were now my pet doggy.


I wish that I could get the 10 seconds I spent watching "Trading Spouses" back.

[e of pi]

You do! Instead you catch a broadcast of then minutes of JarJAr scenes cut from Episode 1 on the grounds of "not meeting the movies high standards for good character".

I wish I didn't see that image once I typed it because IT BURNS!!!

[A person]

No, you're just imagining that it burns.

I should be doing my homework.

[Opium]

You are doing your homework. Except, you're doing such a bad job that you don't even realize you're doing homework.


I wish I could get to SLEEP already.

[whoiam]

You can go to sleep. Its waking up again that's the problem...

I wish amazon would send out entire series at once on their rental plan.

[Xeroc]

They do, but now it costs a fortune.


I wish I had a better computer monitor.

[e of pi]

You do! Unfortunately, it turns out that the robery in your area is on a molmentary upswing...

I wish I could figure out what's up with my computer.

[A person]

You can, but there's nothing up with your computer.

I wish I had a time machine.

[Opium]

You do, but you realize what a destructive thing it is, and destroy it. Over and over and over.


I wish I had a Care Bears bumper sticker.

[A person]

You do, but it was scattered across the galaxy in a transporter "accident" Pssstt... It was a jealous barney!!!

I like water.

[e of pi]

No, because you're H2O intolerant. Anyway, that's not really a wish. Save it for the "You can't handle the truth" thread.

I wish he knew all the rules at once so we didn't have to keep filling him in.

[whoiam]

he does, but he ignores them anyway.

I wish I was the Supreme Overlord of the earth...

[NeoMatrix]

You are, but you still got to take out the trash and change the diapers.

I wish my sleeping pattern wasn't out of whack

[e of pi]

It isn't. Well, at least not that out of whack.

I wish I didn't have this Bio project due on Friday.

[whoiam]

You don't, you have it due this thursday.

I with MSN would stop playing up...

[Opium]

It does, but only because you stop wanting to be one entity with it.


I wish it was still August.

[NeoMatrix]

August is here to stay, but you have to move to Georgia. In August, temps are around 100 degrees F all month long, plus high humidity.

I wish that the person responding to this wish is satisfied

[e of pi]

Well, not really. Stupid Bio.

I wish it were still Tuesday.

[A person]

It is. You're just hallucinating.

I wish that I had a driver's liscense.

[e of pi]

You do. Unfortunately, the fact that the risk analysis sectors of the brain don't fully mature until at least age 18 means that you crash your first time on the highway.

I wish I could be done with this project.

[whoiam]

You are, too late.

I with the lights weren't so bright...

[Opium]

The lights are only that bright because you are with them. When you walk away from them, they become too dim and you can't see anything at all.

I wish that most make-up had subtle or no, rather than way-too-smelly, scents.

[whoiam]

With the scent toned down, you end up applying too much, and looking like a cheap whore.

I wish there was someone here for me to make fun of in person...

[e of pi]

There is. Unfortunately, he'll never tell it to you.

I wish I had my iPod back.

[whoiam]

You do, but it don't work.

I wish my nose wasn't hurting so.

[e of pi]

It doesn't. Unfortunately, it's because your previously unknown alergy to asprin causes you to die a painful death.

I wish I had this project done.

[A person]

You do, but you were/are caught in a temporal loop and you have/haven't finished the project.

I wish I had some cheese.

[e of pi]

You do! But it's three years old and walks off under its own power to get a job with the IRS.

I wish i didn't see that mental image.

[Opium]

You don't, but it's because everyone else has thrown cheese at you for giving us that mental image, and your head is now filled with images of fresh cheese coming towards you.


I wish I didn't have to make my explanations so long.

[e of pi]

You don't! But you do anyway!

I wish the "f" key on Bluebee was working.

[Opium]

It does-the problem is that your brain doesn't register "f".


I wish that I knew what I should wish for.

[e of pi]

You do, but it's too late.

I wish Bush hadn't been re-elected.

[A person]

He wasn't. He was elected. The first time around, he was nominated.

I wish I could think of something to wish for.

[e of pi]

Like Opium, you know, but it is too late.

I wish people would stop wishing that they knew what to wish for.

[A person]

They do, but you are oblivious to it.

I wish that people would stop wishing to wish that they knew what to wish for.

[e of pi]

Buhwha?

I wish I knew what he was saying.

[Opium]

You do know what he is saying, but it is so confusing that your brain stops working.


I wish I could find my DVD of Pirates of the Caribean.

[e of pi]

You do! But it's now in two pieces. :(

I wish I had the DVDs of all of the Star Trek Series. And that my sis, designated black hole of all media, couldn't get her hands on them.

[NeoMatrix]

You get them all for Christmas, but then a black hole forms in your room and sucks all your dvds away

I wish that your wish comes true

[Opium]

It does, and I'm happy, and I turn your house into a wilflife reserve, so you have to move to a really remote abandoned fishing village in Alaska, 2000KM from civilization, and it doesn't have regular internet or phone service because it's so far North.

I wish I was elected Prime Minister of the World!


(actually Alaska looks like pretty nice place, except if you were stuck in a remote abandoned fishing village)

[Xeroc]

You are elected! However, you don't realize that the workload is incredible, and you have no free time!


I wish that these flies would quit coming in the house.

[e of pi]

They do, but only because you no longer have a house.

I wish I had the DVDs of House.

[Xeroc]

You do, but they're all scratched up and don't play.

[e of pi]

That was kinda the problem with the Netflix disk. PLus ya' only get one at a time. :( Anyway, what was your wish.

[Opium]

You didn't make a wish. So you don't get one.


I wish people would remember to leave wishes :twisted:

[e of pi]

They do, just never when you can post.

I wish she would know that I didn't leave a wish to give X a chance, but oh well.

[Chancellor Valium]

Opium does, but now hates you because you insulted her in a fit of pique :twisted:

I wish I could corrupt the world with to the daft side :twisted:

[Xeroc]

Your bad grammar, however, is your demise.


I wish I would stop forgetting wishes.

[e of pi]

You do. But we stop responding.

I wish this thread didn't keep coming back to life, zombie-like, after weeks of inactivity.

[Xeroc]

This thread is clearly inanimate, so it never comes back to life. People just post in it a lot. :)


I wish people would stop coming up with wishes about trying to stop this thread.

[e of pi]

They do. Now it's just the one.

I wish this would stop temporarilly dieing.

[Xeroc]

Having failed to specify "this", the wish is granted to a small rock in the Himalayas.


I wish for a helicopter. That works. Correctly. And looks cool. :)

[e of pi]

It does, and you win first prize at the local 1/200th scale modeling convention.

I wish I had that helicopter.

[Chancellor Valium]

You get it. To be more precise, you get it through the bottom of the jaw, up through the skull on the left side, piercing your cortex and your left lobe.

I wish people wouldn't make such unfortunate wishes....

[Xeroc]

They make fortunate wishes, which while fortunate for them, ends up being very unfortunate for you.


I wish this wish doesn't backfire on me.

[e of pi]

It doesn't, because it doesn't work.

I wish I wasn't so tired.

[Anonymous]

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[e of pi]

That was kinda creepy.

[Xeroc]

Odd is right!


Anyways...


You are no longer tired, as you just slept through December!


I wish that no one got any spam.

[Opium]

No one gets spam. Instead, people get really old, hard fruitcakes all year round, including iFruitcakes, not the nice stuff that's soaked in rum and has mazipan on top.


I wish that telemarketers didn't phone you, but that you could phone them anytime.

[Xeroc]

It happens, but now you get a million email spam messages a day!



I wish this cell phone had better reception.

[e of pi]

It does, but only in the area within four miles of the North Pole.

I wish Yugio (sp?) would stop taking up time on cartoon network.

[Xeroc]

He doesn't, but another, even more annoying show does.


I wish there was something to watch on TV here.

[Opium]

There is, but it's on Premium Ultra-High Definition channels, and they're only seen by Hollywood movie stars, Donald Trump, and Martha Stewart.


I wish that long-distance cell phone calls were free.

[Xeroc]

They are, but the monthly charge is ridiculous!


I wish laptops weren't so expensive.

[e of pi]

They aren't. However, only if you like stolen merchendise.

I wish the Wookies rather than the Ewoks had been in Episode VI.

[Xeroc]

They are, but everything is just as silly.


I wish for a wish!

[e of pi]

You do, but you get it a few seconds before you made the wish, so you use it wishing for a wish, and so on and so forth in a predetination paradox that, frankly, makes my head hurt.

I wish I hade some asprin.

[Opium]

The only aspirin available tastes awful. And it works.


I wish traffic wasn't such a bad in foggy weather.

[Xeroc]

Okay, traffic is great, because all the roads are closed!


I wish for whirled peas.

[Opium]

You get 'em. They taste like baby food. :wink:


I wish for a car that goes 0-60 in under 8 seconds.

[Xeroc]

Okay, but it accelerates so quickly, you're crushed inside.


I wish for the DVD collections of all my favorite movies!