The Monkey's Paw Game

[mark726]

You do, but then Zeke goes even more crazy and institutes a wholesale change into 5 Minute Law and Order with no sci fi to be seen.

I wish that nothing bad would happen with this wish.

[Naki]

nothing bad does, nothing good does either so you're back to where you started

I wish I had 1 copy of every D&D book in the series

[Chancellor Valium]

You drown in them.

I wish ascension was easier.

[e of pi]

It is. Drink the Kool-Aid!

I wish I knew who the Guide referenced in the Prophesy is.

EDIT! Thread confusion!

[Chancellor Valium]

You do, but it's an alternate-universe prophecy.

I wish Rom weren't here...

[mark726]

He isn't, but then DS9's quality becomes lower then "Spock's Brain".

I wish I could write a decent fiver.

[Chancellor Valium]

You can. You are Zeke.

I wish I was a telepath.

[Lostoyannaya]

You are. Unfortunately, no-one EVER shuts up when they think.

~~

I wish my dog would stop lying on my bed.

~~Lostoyannaya :wink:

[mark726]

He does, but he takes up chewing up your shoes instead.

I wish that I could focus.

[Chancellor Valium]

Welcome to your new li- sorry, existence, as a prism!

I wish I could touch the sky.

[Lostoyannaya]

Did you ever see "For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky"? Kudos - you're trapped inside an asteroid with a mad computer.

~~

I wish my boss would get off my back.

~~Lostoyannaya :wink:

[Chancellor Valium]

He's now grabbing your knees begging you not to go.

I wish I could find out who's doing all that damn mourning.

[Lostoyannaya]

Welcome to the afternoon! (Heh heh.... :oops: )

~~

I wish I could meet Hans Zimmer!

~~Lostoyannaya :wink:

[Chancellor Valium]

You can. He traps you in his Frame Of Doom.

I wish Russel T. Davies wasn't at the helm of Doctor Who.

[Lostoyannaya]

Congrats! Brennan and Braga get the contract.

~~

I wish I could find this [ :?: :!: :arrow: :roll: ] song!!

~~Lostoyannaya

[Chancellor Valium]

You now hate it.

I wish Philip Hinchcliffe and Robert Holmes were in charge of Doctor Who.

[Naki]

They are unfortunatly all the writers quit and are replaced by the people who dub anime for a living


I wish my mom didn't have cancer (really though she does, for the third time T_T)

[Lostoyannaya]

I'm not going to dispute that one.

~~

I wish I had a Saluki.

~~Lostoyannaya :wink:

[Chancellor Valium]

You order it, but due to a typo, you get Gagh instead.

[Burt]

Because you broke the link...THE EARTH EXPLODES!!!


I wish I had a K-9

[mark726]

You do, but then it just ends up peeing all over the carpet. And it can't get toilet trained.

I wish I was good at chess.

[Hejira]

Too bad everyone's playing shotglass checkers and are too drunk to play you.

I wish I had a Wii.

[Lostoyannaya]

You do, but unfortunately you are the only one to buy it and it's withdrawn from the market, so you have no games to play on it.

~~

I wish my Photoshop would stop playing up D:

~~Lostoyannaya :mrgreen:

[mark726]

It does, but then the only thing you can open on it is Zeke's, er, discovered picture from a few weeks back.

I wish that it was next Saturday.

[Burt]

The universe blows up - Never play with the timeline!

I wish we had a better healthcare system.

[mark726]

The healthcare system gets so good that disease and injury is eliminated...until doctors start carrying around guns and disease just to give them something to do.

I wish that my computer worked properly.

[Burt]

Bill Gates orders his crack strike unit to 'Take you out' and get your computer. No-one will have a fully working computer thankyou. Not while there's breath in his body. And money in Microsoft Patches....


I wish I had a curry right ....... Now.

[Hejira]

Your curry is the vindaloo monster from Red Dwarf. And you have no lager to throw at it.

I wish Season 5 of RvB started right...now.

[mark726]

It does, but the entire season consists of an exact re-run of season 4 (I'm waiting for it too!).

I wish that Star Trek XI WON'T be bad like I'm afraid it will be.

[Hejira]

That's because Paramount Studios got burned down by vigilantes demanding the last bits of missing footage from Fritz Lang's Metropolis and, as a consequence of the fire and destruction, Star Trek XI didn't get made.

I wish my cat had opposable thumbs/claws so she could feed herself.

[Burt]

Are you crazy?! Once the Cats can feed themselves, they won't need us! Then they'll take over everything!

I wish (and Hope) that the Wii beats the hell out of the the 360 and PS3. (Nothing against them, I just think a lot of good ideas have gone into the Wii, clever games, new ways to play. It' would be nice for Nintendo to be first for a change.)

[Chancellor Valium]

It does.

The next few consoles are called "shit" and "rotting flesh" respectively, leading to the International Angry Mothers Association banning consoles FOREVER!

I wish someone would stop that damned Ming the Merciless.

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. It's you, with a bullet through the chest as a result.

I wish someone would post in the three-by-one story.

[Burt]

Everyone is too busy posting in that thread to post here, and this game shuts down!

I wish I had super powers.

[AKAArzosah]

You gain the super power 'Limbs fall off at random' and suddenly are not so happy about being a super.

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone asked a stupid question.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. You're then investigated for fraud, and jailed on trumped-up charges regarding Shell, the Rio Tinto, and a lovely little piece from Schleswig-Holstein...

I wish my calls would stop ending with peoples' answerphones.

[Burt]

They end in people answering. The new people living there. The old ones moved away and didn't tell you.


I wish I had another dog.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. It's psychotic and rips your throat out.

I wish people would stop moving house without telling me...

[AKAArzosah]

All the people that annoy you most tell you exactly where they're moving to... your spare bedroom, next door, just down the road...



I wish, I wish, I wish I was a fish.

[Burt]

And a nice bit of Cod you'll make too..... Some chips, and a bit of bread and butter...

I wish Nintendo would hurry up and release things...

[AKAArzosah]

They release remakes of everything they ever made, only in pig latin, and decide they've reached the top of their game with this and should quit while they're ahead.

I wish Stargate Atlantis season three would hurry up and start in Australia.
(stupid channel seven)

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. The Fanfic season 3, where the Wraith are defeated by the returning, triumphant Ancients, who have learnt the power of interdimensional and transtemporal use of the Astria Porta, and so travelled to Gallifrey in the Old Times, and exchanged the knowledge of good cookies for the Artifact For Defeating Vampire Species of Rassilon.

I wish I was ExecProd and Script Editor of Doctor Who.

[Burt]

Holy GOD that would be a blood bath!

I wish Doctor Who Series 3 would hurry up and start quickly! And have Romana in it. And the Master. And the Rani. And 'our' Cybermen. They'd put up more of a fight with the Daleks.

[Kristina]

Granted. However, the Daleks have somehow transformed into harmless salt and pepper shakers, removing all the fun and suspense.

I wish I had the script for "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows".

[Nate the Great]

You get it, but the director locks you into the lot forever for trespassing. (See, the key thing is I think you meant "manuscript," not "script," which implies a movie or TV show.)

I wish I had a statue of myself made out of LEGO (it occured to me right this second, but it does sound cool).

[Kristina]

You get it - only, you turn into the LEGO statue. Moreover, the OPEC stops all oil deliveries, and for that reason, your government decides to have you recycled to fuel a '56 DeSoto.

(Yes, manuscript was what I meant, but the monkey's paw still works - J.K. Rowling could probably lock me up in The Closet under the Stairs on 4, Privet Drive until July 21 so I couldn't tell anyone.)

I wish I could meet Benjamin Franklin.

[AKAArzosah]

You do. Unfortunately, in 2007, there's not much left of him. Sorry.



I wish everything in life was free.

[Tate]

It is. As a result, all forms of currency become worthless, causing widespread panic, turmoil, and the collapse of every economy in the world. Execpt for the Elbonian economy, which is based on mud.

I wish I could think of a clever wish for this thread.

[Nate the Great]

You do, but your brain is so overtaxed that it overloads, fusing your hair into one of those hairstyles that cartoon characters always sports after stepping on an exposed wire. Sooty cough optional.

I wish that the tenth "planet" and it's "moon" were really named Xena and Gabrielle.

[AKAArzosah]

They are. Unfotunately, Gabrielle was just knocked out of it's orbit by a really large asteroid, and is on a collision course for Earth (Paris, more specifically).


I wish Firefly would get renewed for another ten seasons.

[NeoMatrix]

It does, but they kill off all the main characters and they bring in the cast from Voyager.

I wish star trek DVD sets weren't so expensive

[Nate the Great]

The sets are reduced to ten bucks apiece, but are bought by the underground DVD black market and resold to the public at twice the amount they used to be.

I wish that someone would invent Dave Barry's Morning Time Machine. As originally designed, you would enter a chamber every morning at seven o'clock and spend a few hours stretching, burping, yawning, and so on, and when you come out again it'd still be seven o'clock and you'd be bright-eyed and ready for the day.

[AKAArzosah]

The device is invented, but due to everyone's new found spare time, fivers of any show become unnecessary, and fiveminute.net becomes obsolete. (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

It does, but they kill off all the main characters and they bring in the cast from Voyager.

I'm trying to figure out if that's such a bad thing...

I wish Jack had never left Stargate.

[Chancellor Valium]

He didn't - Daniel, Carter and Teal'c are now Goa'uld, though.

[Nate the Great]

I wish that Chancellor Valium hadn't written his wish in invisible cyberink, thus making me write my first sentence in invisible cyberink also.

[Chancellor Valium]

I didn't - now you know exactly what I think of you :p

I wish Inf/Imp hadn't mentioned that.

[Nate the Great]

I didn't, but the temporal paradox wipes out all of space-time as we know it and is replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

I wish people would start to refer to me ONLY by the one of the LONG list of acceptable shortenings of my webalias.

[AKAArzosah]

They would, but unfortunately that sentence made their brains explode.


.yad eno rof sdrawkcab klat dluow enoyreve hsiw I

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. The Vorlons think they're Shadows, 'tho, and destroy the planet.

I wish they'd done DS9 seasons 8-10...

[Nate the Great]

They do, but then everyone leaves when they realize that Paramount stopped paying them three years ago. :)

I wish we had more people in the forums.

[AKAArzosah]

The 'people' turn out to be spambots - many, many spambots. But on the upside, we all get ~&^cHEaP_meDZ%^7 and gain new teenage friends called 'emilyhotgurl' in Romania.

I wish we could travel the Universe with ease in the here and now.

[Hejira]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Ease? Okay, okay. Too late, wish granted. Still takes three hours to get to work.

I wish Ace Attorney 3 was translated into English right now and released right now and I could play it right now and nothing like the cartridge breaking my DS, or the DS breaking the cartridge or any sort of breakination happens. Oh, and I still understand English, and my body and brain fall under the 'no breakination' umbrella, so...

[AKAArzosah]

Ace Attorney 3 (whatever that is...) IS miraculously translated into English for your enjoyment! Unfortunately, by the same people who translated the back of my Voyager DVDs (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/showthread.php?t=1379). Congratulations on buying 'Deuce Lawyers Tunafish'.

I wish I hadn't had that extra-spicy lentil curry for lunch.

[Chancellor Valium]

You didn't. You had the rotten sweet and sour pork balls. Now you've got the worst salmonella this side of Ursa Minor.


I wish I could stop making references to Ursa Minor.

[Nate the Great]

You do, but only to substitute references to Ursa Major.

I wish that all mass marketing methods would be erased from the entire universe, and that the employees were marched across the hall to customer service, like Dave Barry has proposed.

[Chancellor Valium]

They are. Now Customer Service is even more of a joke.

I wish I was the very model of a modern major-general.

[AKAArzosah]

Suddenly, you are. A wax model that is. Enjoy Global Warming!

I wish Dark Chocolate was non-fattening, yet still tasted the same.

[Chancellor Valium]

It does. It also still causes the same sick feeling after eating too much...

I wish I could be bothered.

[Burt]

I've got a song that could get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.... I've got a song that could get on your nerves...get get get on your nerves....

I've got a song that could get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.... I've got a song that could get on your nerves...get get get on your nerves....

I've got a song that could get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.... I've got a song that could get on your nerves...get get get on your nerves....

I've got a song that could get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.... I've got a song that could get on your nerves...get get get on your nerves....

That bother you?


I wish tomorrow was today.

[Nate the Great]

It is, but you broke the time machine so that today will happen tommorrow for the rest of eternity.

I wish that I had broadband.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. Broad-band TV, that is! Welcome to 2.56 lines!

I wish Garrett Wang could act.

[NAHTMMM]

He could act! However, he could act so well that he could demand such a high salary that Voyager was cancelled after just eight episodes due to lack of funds, leaving Zeke with insufficient motivation to create 5MV!


I wish I could act intelligently once in a while.

[Nate the Great]

You can, but always about absolutely inconsequential things.

I wish Sonic was in Smash Brothers Brawl.

[Chancellor Valium]

He was. All the other characters found him annoying, though, and quit.

I wish I could think of a good joke more often.

[Burt]

You do, and no-one takes you seriously ever again. They can't even look at you without laughing.

I wish the next bunch of good Wii games (Mario, smash Bros) would come out...

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. Despite brilliant reviews, they're actually rubbish. Disgusted, everyone buys PS3s instead, to piss off Nintendo.

I wish there was more cake.

[Nate the Great]

There was, but it's unedible carrot cake and (ugh) marzipan.

I wish that I had a DeLorean.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. Dotsie De Lorean, the sado-masochistic executive director of Bexhill-on-Sea.

I wish I had more inclination to get work done.

[Nate the Great]

Your wish gets granted, but it turns out that your physical (postural?) inclination is altered by mistake, making you lean to one side ALL the time.

I wish that I was the model of a modern Major General (not really, but let's see what you guys come up with).

[Burt]

Model of a Modern Major General? Nowadays? You are. And after your latest scandal involving the backhand payments, the brigadier's wife and that donkey, you are Dishonorably Discharged from the force.

I wish Piers Morgan would just.. go away.

[Chancellor Valium]

He does. He goes away to Malaga for two weeks. Unfortunately, it's the same two weeks that you are there, and, by freak coincidence, he goes to the same resort as you, and in fact, is the only other English-speaking person. He bores you to near-death for two weeks solidly.

I wish I could remember more of the words of "Verbum supernum prodiens".

[Nate the Great]

You can, but this is accomplished by rewiring your entire brain to only understand Latin.

I wish my copy of Super Smash Brothers worked.

[Chancellor Valium]

facit!

It works for the pizza place down the road.

I wish my brother hadn't damaged my copy of 2001.

[catalina_marina]

Your brother had nothing to do with damaging it. Instead it burnt down, together with your house and everything else you own.

I wish I had more time to hang around here.

[Nate the Great]

You do, but the Speed Force evens things out by making time slow down for everyone else.

I wish we had flying cars, like we were promised by all those magazine ads back in the seventies.

[NAHTMMM]

We do have flying cars, but they're feral and homicidal. Plus all their radios are stuck on the "Irritatingly Overplayed Song Of The Moment" station.


I wish KatyJane's Internet connection weren't so cruddy.

[Nate the Great]

The crud is cleaned up, but in the process the lab of the scientist next door is also cleaned up, accidentally destroying the cure for cancer that he was working on.

I wish that people everywhere would agree to interchange the definitions of driveway and parkway so that we can all get on with our lives in a slightly more logical universe.

[catalina_marina]

The definitions get interchanged. Twice for extra convenience.

I wish I could convince Canadians that they are, in fact, Americans.

[NAHTMMM]

You could, but a few letters go wrong and you actually convince them that they're Armenians.


I wish there were an eighth day of the week.

[catalina_marina]

There's an eighth day of the week, but God decided to be so lazy on that day, that he makes every puny human work for him. All day.

I wish I were tired so I'd be motivated to go to bed.

[LtFielding]

You're house implodes while you sleep.

I wish nothing bad would happen to this wish.

[Nate the Great]

Nothing bad happens, but nothing good happens either, in fact everyone in the universe is frozen in time.

I wish I understood why/how the meson inversion properties of Nth metal would create an antigravity effect.

[NAHTMMM]

You understand why and how, but the Meson Mafia beat you up and kill you for having discovered their little secret.

I wish New York would quit annoying me.

[LtFielding]

North Korea launches a nuke and destroys New York, causing a nuclear war that destroys spacetime.

I wish I had a sonic screwdriver.

[Katy Jane]

You have a Sonic Screwdriver, but it's stuck on setting 15,457: melon baller

I wish for more wishes.

[LtFielding]

You kill yourself because nothing comes true.

I wish more people would join my Jihad to put Dune above Star Wars and destroy Star Wars.

http://groups.google.com/group/dunejihad?lnk=gcimh

[Nate the Great]

They do, but then they vote you out. The tribe has spoken!

I wish that there was a story where the hero isn't prompted to free the genie; he does it anyway. This act of selflessness earns him a lifetime of extra wishes because the reader knows that they'll only be used in good causes.

[Burt]

You're committed to an asylum for such ludicrous ideas.

I wish I wasn't so darn hungry at the moment.

[LtFielding]

You are so full that you explode.

I wish I had a working microphone for my laptop.

[Nate the Great]

You do, but it works at the local McDonald's, so you are now totally microphone-less. :)

I wish that we had an ETA on the DVD-capable Revolution.

[Burt]

You manage to hack in and find out that information, however Nintendo notice and dispatch a crack strike team who hunt you down and then beat you to death with a red koopa shell.

I wish I had Resident Evil: Umbrella now. Not in 4 days time.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. It's an umbrella that belonged to a Resident Doctor, and is evil. Say goodbye to your eyes!

I wish I could remember the quote from the "Fairly Oddparents" cartoon about dead and beeping flowers. (Seriously, does anyone know it?)

[LtFielding]

You do, but it doesn't exist, so you go insane.
I wish my chinchilla didn't eat my pencil eraser.