The Dicer is Coming!

[Nate the Great]

Entry Eight, "Out of Mind"

(O'Neill is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Colonel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.
O'NEILL: This has to be the worst hangover I've ever had.
TROFSKY: Yes. Want to walk around even though you've just been defrosted?
O'NEILL: Sure.

That last couplet was unnecessary, but if it had to be there I should've had a Minnesota joke along the lines of "I'm from Minnesota, that's what I do every spring anyway."

TROFSKY: Look at that team about to go offworld. We have to go before they activate the Stargate.
O'NEILL: Why?
TROFSKY: To make you suspicious. Now it's time for a trip down memory lane.

Ugh. The joke should've been one of those "easily-distracted" gags. Treat O'Neill like a distracted dog, do a Princess Bride "what in the world could that be", etc.

RALEIGH: This gizmo will project your memories holographically.
TROFSKY: We're still fighting the Goa'uld. Do you know of anyone who could help us beat them?
O'NEILL: The Nox, but they are passive. The Asgard blew up a few Goa'uld ships.
TROFSKY: Good.

Zzzz....where's the obvious villain gag? A "the plan is going perfectly, mwhahaha!" or something...

(Daniel is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Daniel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

(Carter is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Captain. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

Zzzzzz, I needed some variation on these. Trofsky is getting increasingly borerd with each one, he sounds more evil with each one, etc.

TROFSKY: What Goa'uld have you faced?
CARTER: Apophis.

DANIEL: Sokar. Heru-ur. Hathor.

Chuck these, they're a classic example of the nevist fallacy of trying to squeeze every plot point into a fiver.

FRAISER: Hi Teal'c. We can't find the rest of your team. Where are they?
TEAL'C: I do not know.
HAMMOND: Indeed.
TEAL'C: Hey, that's my line!

Today I would've thrown in a "you owe me twenty bucks in royalties" gag or something.

TEAL'C: I will go back and search for them.
HAMMOND: No, you will not.
TEAL'C: I'll resign then. I'm leaving.
HAMMOND: Fine.

Does Teal'c use contractions or not in these fivers? Where's the consistency?

O'NEILL: I just knocked out a guard and escaped! Who's the man! Oh, look, a Serpent Guard! This whole place is a crock!

"Crock?" Where'd that come from?

O'NEILL: Wake up, Captain.
CARTER: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: Likewise. Why don't you put on that guard's clothes instead of
that sheet.
CARTER: Don't you like it?
O'NEILL: Ummm...

This wasn't the place for shipping. Should've spun this into a toga/Greek joke or something. Maybe have Carter cosplay as the Muse of Technobabble or something...

O'NEILL: Hey, Daniel. Wake up!
DANIEL: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: We've already done that scene. By the way, the whole place is a fake.

Mixing and matching straight plot recaps with abridging metahumor needs more finesse than this to work.

HATHOR: Hi. I've kidnapped you to find out about the current events so I can conquer the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Good for you.
HATHOR: How do I find the Asgard?
O'NEILL: Bite me.
HATHOR: How do I open the iris?
CARTER: Like I'm going to tell you.
HATHOR: Fine. Here's a worm. Who should I put it into?

TO BE CONTINUED

"The" current events?

[Nate the Great]

Entry Nine, "Into the Fire"

MAKEPEACE: SG-1 has been taken prisoner by Hathor. There's a Tok'ra spy inside her fake SGC.
HAMMOND: I'm sending all the teams we have to rescue them.
DAVIS: I think not.
HAMMOND: I think so.

Yikes, could that have been written better. A villain speech for Davis or something.

HATHOR: So which of you will become the new host?
SG-1: Umm....er....
HATHOR: Enough! O'Neill will become the new host.
O'NEILL: Oh goody.

No rock, paper, scissors joke? This is years before Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock, but even the vanilla game has punchline potential.

TEAL'C: Hi Bra'tac.
BRA'TAC: Hi Teal'c. The people are in a panic for fear that Klorel will return to reenslave them.
TEAL'C: That's a problem for a future episode. This time I need to raise an army to help my friends.
BRA'TAC: Oh goody.

Should've used something more formal than "Hi" for the Jaffa. Bra'tac needed a better punchline, too.

HATHOR: Say hello to your new bodymate.
O'NEILL: Do I have to? Ouch!
RAULLY: The cryo-tank will destroy the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Kinda figured that. Now only am I a main character, I'm the main character.
RAULLY: I really wish we weren't allied with you.

For that matter, I should've rewritten this whole thing from scratch, it's not very good. Raully needed a stronger punchline, amongst other deficiencies.

MAKEPEACE: Hi Captain. Where's Jack?
CARTER: He's a new host.
MAKEPEACE: Drat. Oh well, guess we'd better abandon him and run for our lives.
CARTER: Works for me. Maybe I'll finally take over SG-1 now.
MAKEPEACE: We've lost contact with the team that's guarding the Gate!
CARTER: Drat.
DANIEL: Since Teal'c isn't here I'll say 'Indeed' for him.

"He's a new host"? That's bad grammar. "He's the newest Goa'uld host" or "He's hosting an unwelcome guest" or similar.

MAKEPEACE: Oh, goody, an energy barrier.
CARTER: Think we could dig under it?
MAKEPEACE: Nope.
CARTER: Then I guess we need to find some Tok'ra tunnels that lead back inside.
MAKEPEACE: Here it is! How did you know that?
CARTER: I read the script.

I do resort to the "read the script" joke too often...

HAMMOND: I'm going to send them reenforcements.
DAVIS: I think not. And this time the president thinks not, too.
HAMMOND: Drat.

Really should've made Davis more of a bad guy, thrown in some maniacal laughter.

CARTER: I'm going to go blow up the shield generator!

And? So? But? Therefore? Single-line scenes are to be avoided when possible.

TEAL'C: The Goa'uld are not gods. Now that I've futilely tried to destroy your religion, who wants to be in my army?
CROWD: Not me. See ya!
HAMMOND: I'll be in your army.
TEAL'C: What are you doing here?
HAMMOND: That's a long story best told offscreen.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This scene doesn't need to exist, cut it to make room for more jokes elsewhere.

CARTER: Hi Jack. The Goa'uld's dead.
O'NEILL: Great.
HATHOR: I will destroy you!
O'NEILL: I think not. (He tips her into the cryo-tank) Now that's a serious case of freezer burn.
CARTER: You had to say it, didn't you?
O'NEILL: They didn't let me in the original episode.
CARTER: Whatever. Let's go.

That's better.

BRA'TAC: Look at this ancient glider that's just small enough to fit through the Stargate.
HAMMOND: Are you sure?
BRA'TAC: Yes.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This one needs more fleshing out.

CARTER: There's the shield generator. And it's right behind the fake Stargate!
O'NEILL: OK, who didn't see that coming? Let's set up the explosive and go.

Zzzzz......

O'NEILL: Before you guys start killing each other, I think you should know I killed Hathor.
TROFSKY: Yeah, right.
O'NEILL: Hey, look at that big glider! We're saved!
HAMMOND: Hi.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Since Hammond is from Texas, I should've had him use "Howdy" whenever possible.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Ten, "Seth"

JACOB: Hi guys. Ready for another mission that will take up an hour of screen time?
SG-1: Sure!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzz....

JACOB: The Tok'ra have been trying to keep track of all of the Goa'uld but we can't find Seth.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
JACOB: We think he's still on Earth.
O'NEILL: Double bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz....wha-did something interesting happen? No? Okay-zzz......

DANIEL: By accessing classified files that I don't have access to I have located Seth's latest cult.
O'NEILL: Good for you. Let's go.

Needs more fleshing out. I couldn't have put in a Mission Impossible joke or something?

JASON: Hi. My kid's in Seth's cult. Want to hear my sob story?
O'NEILL: Maybe later.
JASON: You gonna save my Tommy?
O'NEILL: I'll think about it. Now go away.

Ugh. Could've written this one better.

HAMNER: Hi. I'm the annoying ATF guy who does know what you're doing but still blindly follows. After exchanging a bit of pseudo-threatening banter with O'Neill, of course.
O'NEILL: Whatever. Mind if I call the President?
HAMNER: Why not?

The ATF is the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. They're mentioned in the episode, but for fiver purposes I could've turned him into a generic cop or federal agent.

JACOB: Seth has this gas that can brainwash you and make you his slaves.
O'NEILL: Oh goody.
JACOB: The only way to cure it is by shocking the victim.
CARTER: Like with a zat gun.
JACOB: Teal'c and I are immune.
CARTER: Too bad Seth can detect your Goa'ulds.
JACOB: Yeah, bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz.....

HAMNER: The President says I can trust you.
O'NEILL: I'm thrilled for you.

Bad punchline. Should've thrown in a "now dance for me! Dance!" joke or something...

CARTER: These gizmos will shock you after Seth has gassed you.
O'NEILL: Great. By the way, what will he do to us?
DANIEL: Well, Carter will be sent to his harem and we'll be posted as guards. Unless he makes us eunuchs.
O'NEILL: Umm...I pick door number one, Pat!

Ugh. Pat is Wheel of Fortune, should've said Monty...

SETH: You will be my slaves! Here's some brainwashing gas.
O'NEILL: I had gas for lunch. Maybe if you had a nice...Ack!

Nice...what? I forget. Should've had Seth do a time zone difference joke like "for me it's already tomorrow, so eat!"

SETH: You are all my guards. Repeat after me. 'Seth is great.'
ALL: Seth is great.
SETH: I didn't say Simon Says. Now you will be my eunuchs!

If I was going to bring up the eunuch thing this many times, I should've thrown in a few more variations on the joke.

JACOB: Shock them!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz.....

O'NEILL: Ouch! Hi Seth. We're here to free your slaves.
SETH: Yeah, right. Take them away!

I use "yeah, right" too much...

(O'Neill zats Tommy)
DANIEL: Tommy, right?
TOMMY: Yeah...do I know you?
O'NEILL: That doesn't matter. You need to get these people out of here.
TOMMY: OK.

Why didn't I have Jack say "Tommy...I know your father" or something....

SETH: Eat bomb!
O'NEILL: I had bomb--
SETH: You already did that joke!
O'NEILL: Oh, never mind.

This one's okay.

SETH: Tok'ra scum!
JACOB: Oh shut up.
CARTER: Time to die!
SETH: Why?
CARTER: Our hour's up.
SETH: Drat.

A character dies in a fiver and I don't use Gak? What's up with that?

[Nate the Great]

Entry Eleven, "Fair Game"

HAMMOND: Captain Carter, I now promote you to Major. Where did Jack go?
THOR: Hello, O'Neill.
O'NEILL: Hi, Thor. What's up?
THOR: The Goa'uld are planning to attack Earth unless you agree to negotiate with them.
O'NEILL: Well doesn't that sound fun?

There should be a scene break there. Lame punchline, should've had him say "Okay, where are the cameras?" or something.

HAMMOND: Why are the Goa'uld agreeing to this?
TEAL'C: They fear the Asgard.
THOR: By the way, we have chosen O'Neill to represent Earth.
O'NEILL: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Should've turned that last line into a running gag, ending with someone snapping "for the hundredth time, YES!"

DANIEL: These are the three Go'auld: Cronus, Yu, and Nirrti.
O'NEILL: No boring bios?
DANIEL: We only have five minutes to tell this story.
O'NEILL: Oh.

No, good/bad/ugly joke?

HAMMOND: We have to lock up all of our weapons.
TEAL'C: I will not.
HAMMOND: That's an order.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Skip this scene to make room for something else!

CRONUS: I will not be spied upon!
DANIEL: OK, we'll take down the cameras in your rooms if you let us keep the ones in the halls.
HAMMOND: Why did you do that.
DANIEL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

This is okay, I guess, but that punchline could've been a bit more refined.

TEAL'C: By the way, Cronus killed my father.
DANIEL: Why are you telling me this?
TEAL'C: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Should've refined the foreshadowing running gag a bit more.

THOR: O'Neill, if the negotiation fails the Asgard can't protect you.
O'NEILL: Why?
THOR: We're fighting a far worse enemy. And before you ask, the answer is foreshadowing.

See what I mean?

YU: We won't attack Earth if you give up your Stargate. Both of them.
O'NEILL: We have two?
CARTER: Yes. Remember "Solitudes?"
O'NEILL: Right.

Should've referenced the events of "Solitudes" for O'Neill's punchline. Or maybe had it been "Not really, we Minnesotans tend to block out memories of being trapped in glaciers" or something.

HAMMOND: The President has agreed to give up our Stargate.
FRAISER: Someone attacked Cronus! Teal'c was with him.
HAMMOND: I knew something would happen. We've still got half an hour to fill!

I fall back on the "we're not close enough to the end of the episode for the plot to be resolved yet" gag too much.

YU: You attacked us! The Goa'uld will destroy you!
DANIEL: Now you see why we gave up the cameras? It adds mystery!

"Darn, if only we hadn't turned off the cameras!" And an "Indeed" from Teal'c.

TEAL'C: I did not attack him. Some invisible force did.

Single-line scenes are frowned upon. At the very least have whoever he's talking to say "Indeed"!

CARTER: Now I get to be the hero and heal Cronus with this funky Go'auld healing device!
CRONUS: The Go'auld will destroy you!
CARTER: Do you promise not to if we prove who attacked you?
CRONUS: Sure, I'm a reasonable tyrant.

I like the oblivious hypocrite joke, but I could've tweaked this a bit.

O'NEILL: You lied to us. Nirrti used a personal cloaking device to attack Cronus.
YU: Why didn't you give this device to the Goa'uld?
NIRRTI: I had to advance the plot. Now it's time to cloak and make my escape.
CARTER: Not so fast! I have an anti-cloak gun, and I'm not afraid to use it!

An "I got bored" would've been better than "I had to advance the plot."

CRONUS: You can keep your Stargate. But if you meet us again, we will show no mercy.
O'NEILL: I know. We don't have the budget to get a new villian yet. Maybe next season.
DANIEL: Huh?
O'NEILL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Another typo, ugh.

[Nate the Great]

Let's take a short detour to cover my first fiver ever...

Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time

Deku Tree: Link, I'm dying. You need to go inside me and destroy the curse.
Link: How fun!

A bad way to start a fiver. Who are these people, where are we, what's going on? I should've abridged the Deku Tree's initial monologue, perhaps turning it into a "Deku Tree's Log".

Deku Tree: Thanks for killing Gohma, but I'm still dying. Take the Kokiri Emerald and go see Zelda.


Single line scenes are a no-no. Where's the joke?



Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.



I do like "bummer" as a punchline, but this needed refinement.



Kaebora Gaebora: Hi, I'm the annoying owl who will tell you stuff you already know and basically test your patience.
Link: Aiming shingshot....
Kaebora Gaebora: Hey!



Always hated that owl. I understand why the exposition is needed, but he talks too much and keeps swapping his "yes" and "no" options so odds are you'll accidentally repeat a speech at least once. Grrrr....



Zelda: How did you get past all of the guards?
Link: Wasn't that hard. They move around in pretty predictable rectangles.
Zelda: Oh. You see that guy in there? He is Ganondorf, King of Thieves.
Link: So he's the bad guy?
Zelda: Yep. You need to get the other two spiritual stones so we can protect the Triforce.
Link: Sure. By the way, is that Mario in the window?
Zelda: Of course not! Hyrule doesn't have any video games!
Link: So who is that?
Zelda: Umm...that's my...you should go now!



Could've cut this scene in half easily, covering Ganondorf and the particulars of Zelda's plan, along with the Mario joke. And where's Impa?



Malon: Hi Link! When you grow up you can have Epona! By the way, I'm another female character, so of course, I need to flirt with you.
Link: Sounds good to me. Hey, didn't I marry you in a previous game?
Malon: Shhhh! This is the first game chronologically, remember?
Link: Oh, right, sorry.



I messed up the Malon/Marin from Link's Awakening reference. I've never played that game (although I do own it for some reason, maybe I should get around to it one of these years) and was operating on mistaken information. It seems that the furthest Marin and Link's relationship was an aborted declaration of love. And yes, I am aware of the fan theory that the Twilight Princess version of Link is a descendant of these two.



Darunia: Here's the Goron Ruby. Want a big hug?
Link: Maybe later.



I do hope that my Master Quest fiver sees the light of day one of these years, these side characters are so much fun.



Ruto: Here's the Zora Sapphire. By the way, we're engaged.
Link: Lucky me.



That bit of snark could've been better. "Yippee" or something. Or maybe a reference to a fish raffle or something...



Zelda: Here's the Ocarina of Time! Gotta go now!
Ganondorf: Where's Zelda?
Link: Bite me!
Ganondorf: Very cute.



"Bite me" was wrong, should've gone with "you'll have to go through me", maybe thrown in a speed bump joke.



Navi: It's the Master Sword!
Ganondorf: Ha ha! You led me right into the Spiritual Realm!
Link: Bummer.



"Spiritual Realm"? You do mean "Sacred Realm", right Past Nate?



Rauru: It's been seven years. Even though it's your fault Ganondorf took over the world, we still want you to save it. Now you get to collect Medallions!
Link: Lucky me.
Rauru: I'm one of the six Sages. Here's the Light Medallion.



What, no "Sacred Stones are so last year, everyone's into Medallions now" joke?



Shiek: I'm going to teach you a song to warp to every Temple.
Link: Who are you?
Shiek: I'll tell you later.



Zzzz....



Shiek: You have all of the Medallions. You, me, and Ganondorf each have one part of the Triforce. By the way, I'm really Zelda in disguise!
Ganondorf: Now I've got you!
Zelda: Drat.
Link: Bummer.



The biggest problem with adapting Ocarina of Time into fiver form is that there are so many major plot events that you have to skip some to make a fiver of reasonable length. Even so, I could've squeezed in a line about where Link went, along with some sort of "collect them all" punchline about the Medallions.



Rauru: Here's a rainbow bridge to get to Ganon's castle.
Navi: Ohhh, pretty!



Zzzzzz.....Should've skipped this to adapt a more important scene elsewhere.



Link: Eat Light Arrow!
Ganondorf: Ack!
Zelda: Now we need to get down before the tower collapses!
Link: This is not my day.



Could've expanded this a bit, made reference to the flaming boulders falling from the ceiling and the bars that Zelda has to open. Oh, and where's the "no thanks, I had Light Arrow for lunch" joke?



Ganon: Now you die!
Link: I think not. Eat supercharged Master Sword!
Ganon: Ack!
Zelda: Time to seal him away. Now you can go home, to your original time.
Link: Umm, can we talk about....



No "Gak"? I'm ashamed of myself. And where's the punchline about time paradoxes or at least having to grow up again?

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.



I do like "bummer" as a punchline, but this needed refinement.

Eh, just have Link ask "Ooh, is that the Ocarina of Time?" to indicate his excitement.

[Nate the Great]

Well, I've still got the Master Quest fiver draft kicking around somewhere, I probably refined the joke somewhat...