Five-Minute "Fallout"
by Derek Dean

riend: Yes, and then we can get back to our studying, like stereotypical Oakland urban youths also do.
Bow Wow: Woah! Check it out! A meteor just crashed less than a mile from here! I'm going to check it out!
Friend: Without causing any windows or anything to shatter? That's just unrealistic.
Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain: Mwahahaha! I'm the Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain! Now die!
Friend: Oh yeah, this is much more realistic.

Scientist: Hi. I'm leaving.
Lana: Well, that was abrupt. What about my threats?
Scientist: They need work. So does this artifact, but I'm not doing that anymore either. However, let me cast some doubts on the Luthors before I go.
Lana: Fine. Just don't get photographed by any nosy reporters.

Chloe: So it appears that one guy crashed in Oakland, killed a friend, and has been attacking nuclear power plants from there to here.
Clark: And this is the first anyone's heard of it? Shouldn't there have been a blackout or a terror alert or something in the past six weeks?
Chloe: There were. You're just that oblivious.

Raya: Hi! I didn't actually die though it might have seemed that way the last time you saw me.
Clark: Oh hooray! Another Kryptonian! You don't know how bad it's been being all alone! Because if there's one thing that defines Superman, it's how alone he feels on Earth.

Jimmy: Hey, Chloe. Check out these pictures I took of a secret rendezvous between this guy with a briefcase and Lex's car. I think I just photographed a black market briefcase deal.
Chloe: Jimmy, -- how do I say this nicely? -- you're stupid.

Jimmy: So, Mr. Luthor, if that is your real name, what do you make of these pictures I snapped of you buying black market briefcases?
Lex: I'm not even going to try to say this nicely, you're a moron.

Lex: Lana, the scientist gave you the artifact. I need you to give it to me... Please... Or else.

Clark: So tell me about my father. Was he as boring and long-winded as he's seemed?
Raya: Worse. The council might have agreed with him if he hadn't put them all to sleep with his three-day introduction to Krypton's destruction.
Clark: I knew it.
Raya: But you should already know all this. Haven't you done your training?
Clark: With him? For all I know it could take twelve years.

Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain: Mwahahaha! I'm the Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain! And now I will destroy the house of El.
Raya: Hey moron, there are two of us here.

Clark: So if he's from the Phantom Zone, how'd he know about me?
Raya: Well, see, one night, I'd had a bit too much to drink and... well, I might have let it slip that you were on Earth.
Clark: You should've known better than to go near spirits in the Phantom Zone.

Jimmy: So I took pictures of Lex's drawings, and check it out, it's got hieroglyphs, which means it's a black market Egyptian briefcase.
Chloe: Those aren't Egyptian. Haven't you watched Stargate?
Raya: Oh my gosh! It's BRAINIAC! And I'm actually even calling him that!

Lana: You care more about that artifact than me, don't you? DON'T YOU? Well, I'm going home to Mother's!
Lex: Your mother's dead.
Lana: Oh yeah, great time to bring that up. Well, it's either it or me. Which one? WHICH ONE?
Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain: I choose the artifact.
Lana: I wasn't asking you.

Clark: Lex! I heard you were hurt. I just wanted to check if you were --
Lex: Clark, nobody believes you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pass out, or possibly be X-rayed.
Lana: So tell me what's going on. The truth.
Clark: Since I never have before, when I've had much better reason to, I will now. I'm looking for this artifact.
Lana: Don't bother. After throwing Lex around, he charged up on the artifact and it became dust.
Clark: It did? I thought it was going to be this season's finale. Oh well.

Raya: Ah, the Fortress of Solitude. So pretty.
Clark: It is? I thought it looked kind of bare. See, I had this idea of building huuuuge statues of everyone I know and --
Raya: Too bad it's dead. If only you'd had your training, you could probably fix it. Oh well, I think I can still send the El family signal to attract the phantom.

Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain: Where's Kal-El? WHERE IS HE?
Ma Kent: I don't know!
Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain: What the -- El!

Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain: And now to kill you.
Clark: Ha! I'm still alive.
Evil Mwahaha-Bow-Wow Villain: I wasn't talking about you.
Raya: GAK!

Raya: Earth ... out of danger?
Clark: Yes, Raya. You saved the Earth!
Raya: Don't grieve, Kal-El. Just restore the Fortress.
Clark: I'd rather look sadly at you.
Raya: Sigh.

Bow Wow: So, um, what happened?
Clark: Since you don't remember, I can say with certainty that you're going to be all right.

Jimmy: So apparently no one likes my story and Lex got me fired.
Chloe: That sucks.
Jimmy: Yeah, but then I got rehired and put in the basement with you.
Chloe: That really sucks.

Lana: What would you have chosen between me and the artifact?
Lex: You, baby. Only you.
Lana: I guess we'll never know.
Lex: Oh yeah, that didn't just doom our relationship.

Clark: I miss Raya. When I was with her, I didn't feel so alone.
Ma Kent: Hello! I'm your mother! And I'm right here with you right now!
Clark: But I guess I need to stop running from my Kryptonian heritage since I can't reject both Earth and Krypton, so it's time for my training.
Ma Kent: Well, I'm glad to see you rising about your petty needs for revenge and misplaced feelings of guilt.
Clark: Just as soon as I track down all the Zoners.
Ma Kent: Sigh.
(The Fortress of Solitude for some reason wakes up at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 10, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.