This Just In
ISSUE #31 MAY 4, 2003

Berman, Braga not actually Hitler
by Zeke

BOSTON, MA - The well-publicized Star Trek Executive Diabolism Analysis Project at MIT concluded yesterday with results certain to shock the fan community. After six months of thorough testing, the STEDAP researchers have announced that Enterprise executive producers Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are not, in fact, Adolf Hitler.

In a letter to the press this morning, head researcher Eileen Audobon stated that "the evidence leaves no room for doubt. STEDAP conducted DNA tests, retinal scans, fingerprint analyses, and over thirty other reputable human-identification procedures, taking the utmost care to be rigorous and thorough. The results were contrary to our hypothesis, but we cannot deny the facts. It is simply not the case that Star Trek's executive producers are Hitler."

The announcement has already begun to cause confusion and outrage in Star Trek fandom -- particularly the "basher" subset, the majority of whom have taken STEDAP's hypothesis for granted since the early 1990s. To learn that the producers are not Germany's wartime Führer is likely to cause a massive paradigm shift in the community. Some have publicly abandoned the basher cause, while others are denying the project's conclusions.

In the latter category is the prominent fanfiction author and fandom activist Mary Sue Scrivener. A veteran of numerous online protests, Mrs. Scrivener has led such high-profile endeavours as SOB and VVVS8S8; she currently operates a major anti-Berman-and-Braga website, Trekkers Against Trek. When this reporter requested her opinion of the STEDAP findings, she replied, "It's flat-out impossible. Any fool knows Berman and Braga --" (Mrs. Scrivener paused here to spit on the ground) "-- are responsible for atrocities so vile, so sickening that nothing but the Holocaust can compare. There's simply no question that Hitler is alive and well and working for Paramount Pictures."

When asked what she would guess was responsible for STEDAP's false results, Mrs. Scrivener replied, "There are two possibilities. It could be human error -- we all know who wrote that episode. But I think it's more likely that the project leaders are spies from B&B's Gestapo, and that this is all a smoke screen. Well, I'm not fooled. Hear that, Adolf? You can't trick me! I AM OMNISCIENT!"

With that, Mrs. Scrivener dramatically stormed out of the room, pausing only twice to trip over her chair.

Various other members of the fan community have made statements following the STEDAP announcement. "I can't tell you how much this has shaken me up," commented forumgoer PointyHairedJedi. "Berman and Braga... not Hitler? My whole world is upside down. I mean, what's next? Are they going to tell us George Bush isn't Stalin?"

"I can't believe the timing of this," muttered B-movie king Roger Corman, who had been slated to direct the now-shelved film They Saved Berman and Braga's Brain.

"You thought they were Hitler? Please," scoffed reviewer Searing Pain from Boils and Blinding Torment. "We all know there's only one Hitler. And that's Joss Whedon."

"Liars, all of you! I am Hitler!" shouted the host of the popular talk show I Am Hitler.

Finally, to hear an expert opinion on Mrs. Scrivener's theory that the STEDAP project was a scam, This Just In contacted the notorious con man Harry Mudd. Mr. Mudd decided that it was probably legitimate, observing, "If it is a scam, I could pull a better one in my sleep. In fact, if you ask me --"

"Har-COURT!" interrupted Mr. Mudd's wife Stella. "Who are you talking to? If that's another of your drinking buddies, tell him to stop calling! I swear, if I didn't keep a constant eye on you...."

This reporter has elected not to transcribe the ensuing violence and bloodshed. 

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Copyright 2003, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This notice was cloned from the disclaimer on Hitler's moustache brush.