Five-Minute "One Door Closes"
by Zeke

Admiral Paris: I have some bad news, Kathryn.
Janeway: Oh well...I'm sure I can handle it, as long as I remember the good things in life, like my ship. Yep, Voyager is the most important thing in the universe to me. I don't know what I'd do without it.
Admiral Paris: Um....

Cheney: Welcome to Interspecies Ethics. For our first example, Icheb will talk about the Borg.
Icheb: Sir, the Borg aren't a great example of ethics....
Cheney: No, it's your talking that'll provide the example. The idea is that the other kids will get all hate-filled and then I'll nail them for it.

Janeway: Any idea where Chakotay is?
Torres: C/T is long since over, so no. Try his sister.
Janeway: He has a sister?
Torres: Yeah. Why so surprised? It's not like he only mentioned her once in passing over the course of eight years.

Chakotay: A-koo-chee-moy-ah....
Pilot: Are you talking to Moya?
Chakotay: No, you overprotective Muppet. Leave me the frell alone.

Atraya: (over the comm) You must be Chakotay's captain. I've heard so much about you, as you've doubtless heard about me.
Janeway: Um...yeah, naturally. So do you know where he is?
Atraya: Well, either he took my personal shuttle somewhere, or he's hiding in the living room again.
Janeway: How would he hide in the living room?
Atraya: He's always had this bizarre talent for impersonating furniture. I once spent half an hour playing my piano before I realized it was him.

Janeway: Can't I please be the one to take Voyager to the scrap heap? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease? Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Admiral Paris: Ha! It would take three cherries to win me over.

Cheney: ....and so you're all jerks for questioning the ethics of a ruthless, nightmarish cyborg zombie empire.
Student: And you're a real--
Cheney: If this is the Dick Cheney joke I think it is, you're expelled.
Student: I'll clear out my desk.

Sandrine: Paris! What's this I hear about you simulating me as some sort of skank?
Paris: Uh oh. Um...Paris? Paris who? I'm Tom Torres.
Sandrine: Nah, just yanking your chain. I'm skankier in real life than anything you could script.
Paris: Whew! Now I can go back to my real name.
Torres: Too late, sucker. I got your little "admission" on tape.

Janeway: Folks, I have some bad news.
Kim: It's all right, Mommy. We love you.
Everyone: Hear, hear!
Janeway: The news is...Voyager is going to be scrapped.
Everyone: Hear, hear!
Janeway: You're all very drunk, aren't you?
Everyone: Hear, hear!

Kolopak: Welcome, Chakotay. I am your spirit guide.
Chakotay: But you're supposed to be a snake. Instead, you're my dad, and you look like a monkey.
Kolopak: Not a monkey -- a monkee. And there's a reason for that.
Chakotay: It has to do with J/C, doesn't it?
Kolopak: Everything has to do with J/C! Has VVS8 taught you nothing?

Janeway: Time for some cutesy K/7 dialogue, you two.
Kim: Okay. Shall we rock the casbah, oh Heaven of Nine?
Seven: You are irrelevant. Your distinctiveness will be added to my own.
Janeway and Kim: Um....
Seven: What? For me, that is cutesy.

Torres: Time to give yet another emotional speech, Captain.
Janeway: Aww, I'm tired of coming up with new speeches. Can't I just reuse an old one?
Torres: Well, okay, but not if it's that one from "Spirit Folk."
Janeway: Never mind...I'm too broken-up to speak anyway. I need support. I need emotional baggage. I need--
Chakotay: Kathryn!
Janeway: Chakotay!
Tom Torres: Wow...even I saw that one coming.
(Voyager gets decommissioned [sniff] at Dolorous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 12, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.