Five-Minute "Remora"
by Zeke

Dalby: A toast to Hudson and Eddington!
Chell: Now why would we know about Eddington? He didn't defect until long after we were lost.
Dalby: Quiet or I'll shoot you with my Phaser of Foreshadowing.

Captain's Log: Thanks to Seven's data, I'm sure we'll soon find a way to beat the Sernaix. Oh, who am I kidding? The Sernaix could kill us twice and not even notice.

Kim: Our newer, mightier sensors can detect Sernaix ships.
Tuvok: Impressive.
Seven: Don't be flattered, Harry -- he says that to everything. Watch. Hey Tuvok, I can roll my eyes and stick out my tongue at the same time.
Tuvok: Unimpressive.
Seven: What the--! You've never said that before!
Tuvok: You've never been so unimpressive before.

Seven: We've discovered this Node ship.
Janeway: I knowed you could do it. Now go see Doc.
Kim: Hey! How dare you break up a K/7 scene?
Janeway: There are still D/7ers out there, kid. We need to toss them a bone so they'll keep reading.

Icheb: Ships seem to be docking at that Node. Um, sir?
Kim: Zzzzzzzzzzz....
Janeway: Rats. This is what I get for making him work with Boredom Boy.

Sycorax: The time has come for us to destroy Earth and/or ourselves!
Sernaix: WAHOO!

Janeway: Now the ships are un-docking. Perhaps this will wake Harry.
Doc: Are you kidding? This is Icheb-induced slumber we're talking about. It'll take more than--
Kim: AAAA! The Sernaix are gonna kill Earth!
Doc: I stand corrected.

Janeway: Earth is in danger. We need a plan, boys and girls.
Chakotay: How about the Ayrenath, who have spurned us on all previous occasions?
Janeway: I like it. Any other thoughts?
Tuvok: How about the Inryeth, who have never spurned us and seem to be on our side?
Janeway: You suck. Get out.

Dalby: You know, I could use a heroic demise. Help me plan one.
Chell: I'm thinking something involving...cheese.
Dalby: On second thought, I'll come up with my own.

Doc: Time for you two to go to sleep again. That way I can spy on your dreams like in "Unimatrix Zero."
Kim: You didn't spy on my dreams in "Unimatrix Zero."
Doc:, of course not. Heh.

Paris: Every episode needs a P/T scene.
Torres: Ah, but does every P/T scene need an episode?
Paris: Every P/T scene deserves an episode.
Torres: Well put.

Kim: Ocampa!
Doc: The heck?
Kim: You heard me. "Oh compadre, get me a beer."

Janeway: Look, this is important. We really need to destroy your entire society.
Mateth: I guess it would be wrong for us to refuse, then. But what about your Prime Directive?
Janeway: My what?

Janeway: Okay, guys and dolls, we need a way to kill the Sernaix once we're outta here.
Chakotay: I'm thinking tricobalt devices -- not because I know what they are, but because I like how the word sounds.
Janeway: Me too. Plan approved.

Tuvok: My mind-meld with Harry was inconclusive. I couldn't get past his mental wall.
Janeway: Mental wall?
Tuvok: Fantasies about Seven. There were enough to churn even my Vulcan stomach.

Seven: I want Doc on my shuttle and Harry as far from us as possible.
Janeway: I thought we already fed the D/7ers today....

Chakotay: And then we send out Dalby in the shuttle.
Janeway: That's the worst plan I've ever heard! Well, except the one Chell suggested. It's just wrong to use cheese that way. Anyway, no.
Chakotay: Think about it, Kathryn. Can you come up with a better way to rid yourself of Dalby?
Janeway: Well...okay. But make sure it looks accidental.

Voyager: It's time for me to go, honey.
Bubble: No! Please, wait! I can change!
Voyager: Sorry. You know I love you, but we've grown apart. I need an anomaly that understands my needs.
Bubble: I can't believe you're doing this to me on my birthday!

Janeway: Okay, chicks and dudes, begin the mission!
Chakotay: "Chicks and dudes"? Kathryn, this is going too far.

Dalby: Okay, we've placed the tricobalt devices. Hee hee...tricobalt. Now what?
Seven: Now we run like weasels and hope they're all stupid.
Doc: I like those odds.

Sernaix Fleet: KAFWHOOOM

Skoth: Hello.
Dalby: Who are you?
Skoth: A Sernaix who's marginally less stupid than the others. You'll have to kill me personally at the cost of your own life.
Dalby: Lemme just check something first. Will this involve cheese in any way?
Skoth: Nope.
Dalby: Whew! Let's go then.

Seven: (over the comm) We did it! But Dalby was killed.
Janeway: At least his death was not in vain. Thanks to him, the rest of us are now rid of that jerk Dalby.
Chakotay: Um...that could have been more considerate, Captain.

Kim: Hey, I'm getting a transmission....
Marson: (over the comm) Oh, hi there. Perhaps you'd like to listen to my collection of 80s music.
Janeway: Remind me again -- why did we want to get back home?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 8, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.