The Dicer is Coming!

[Nate the Great]

Entry Three: "The Serpent's Lair"

CARTER: We've set all of our explosives to blow up this ship.
O'NEILL: Great. Prepare to detonate.
TEAL'C: Uh-oh. Apophis' ship is coming.
O'NEILL: I knew it couldn't be this easy.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
GRENADE: Boom.

"Uh-oh"? That doesn't sound like Teal'c. "Set all of our explosives?" Just "We're ready to blow up this ship" would have been adequate.

O'NEILL: Ouch. I'm blind!
TEAL'C: That's just a side effect of the grenade, included for the sake of these cute blind moments.
O'NEILL: That's fun. Not!
CARTER: Now I can see!
O'NEILL: What happened to the blind moments?
DANIEL: We only have five minutes.
O'NEILL: Right.

I should've either skipped the blind stuff or expanded it to have jokes throughout the rest of the fiver (including several Daredevil punchlines, of course).

BRA'TAC: Time to ressurect Klorel to stall for time!

SAMUELS: Hi.
HAMMOND: Not you again.
SAMUELS: Look at my nifty new naquadah warheads! I'm going to blow up the Goa'uld ships!
HAMMOND: Yea, right.

Should've turned Samuels into more of a pyromaniac. And for some reason I forgot the "h" in "yeah."

APOPHIS: Excecute the humans!
BRA'TAC: OK.

There's another typo. Ugh.

BRA'TAC: Hi.
O'NEILL: Hi.
BRA'TAC: I was going to make Apophis and Korel kill each other, but you had to interfere, didn't you?
O'NEILL: Nice to see you, too.

Should've explained Korel a bit.

HAMMOND: Why are the ships just hanging there?

BRA'TAC: Here are your weapons. We need to stall until your spacecraft destroy this ship.
DANIEL: Well, all we have is shuttles but due to budgetary constraints we can't afford a space battle scene.
BRA'TAC: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Ha ha. Should've tracked down when SG-1 actually did start doing space battles so I could say "we won't be able to do that for X years."

HAMMOND: You are the best and the brightest people that we can find. In case the planeet goes foom, you're going to start a new society at Alpha site.

"Planeet"? I must've forgotten to use my spellchecker before sending it to Nan. There should've been an Adam and Eve joke from one of the Alpha Site colonists.

O'NEILL: So even with a few gliders we couldn't destroy Apophis' ship?
TEAL'C: Indeed.
CARTER: Well, the explosives will blow up this ship.
O'NEILL: So we need to get to the other one.

There has to be a funnier way to cover this.

SAMUELS: There go my missiles! How exciting!

APOPHIS: Missiles? Don't make me laugh! Shields!

HAMMOND: The missiles didn't work.
SAMUELS: Drat.

Skip the Apophis line, combine the two Samuels scenes, and add a joke.

BRA'TAC: Do you have any more explosive?
CARTER: Nope.
BRA'TAC: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Should've thrown in a MacGyver joke, "not unless you have a stick of chewing gum and some duct tape" or something.

SAMUELS: I'm scared.
HAMMOND: Cry me a river. Go and sulk in the corner.

DANIEL: I'm shot. Leave me behind.
O'NEILL: I won't.
DANIEL: I'm a main character. I can't die.
O'NEILL: Right, I keep forgetting.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I do use the main character invulnerability joke a lot, don't I?

BRA'TAC: I directed the two ships toward each other. If we disable the shields on Apophis' ship it will be destroyed along with this one.
O'NEILL: Thanks to our last two grenades the shields are gone.
BRA'TAC: That was way too easy.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

HAMMOND: I've launched the shuttle. Hopefully the budget will let us see it this time.

DANIEL: Hi. I used the Stargate on the ship with a second to go on the detonation.
HAMMOND: Lucky you.
DANIEL: Not luck, my contract.

I've said it before, the main character invulnerability joke is always funny.

O'NEILL: Good thing we were on these gliders when the ships blew up.
CARTER: Oh-oh, we were damaged in the explosion. I guess we're going to die after all.
O'NEILL: I think not. There's a shuttle right there.
CARTER: Wow! I thought I'd never see one of those!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

How could a space shuttle dock with a death glider?

BRA'TAC: Hi, Hammond. I've got to go.
O'NEILL: Great. Please don't show up again until next season.

I don't know why I said this. I like Bra'tac, and he'll appear seven episodes from now anyway.