FiveMinute.net News

maintained by Zeke

LATEST UPDATE

June 11

Okay, this has gone on long enough. (And then longer.) I'm still going to come back to this zombie thing eventually, goddammit, but it's time to restore the main page. I'm out of town for the next few days for my convocation; when I get back I'll try to finally get the site moving again. And yes, there'll be an anniversary event, though not on the 15th (I won't be back yet, and that was an arbitrary date anyway).

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RECENT UPDATES

April 9

...pation!

Yes, I know Sa'ar already said it in the comment thread. What's your point? Anyway, the undeadening continues today with The Top 10 Signs That Your Girlfriend is a Zombie. Zombies are a greater threat now than ever before, so this (my first "girlfriend" list in two years, by the way) may be useful.

But that's a side trip. Time to get back to the serious business of restoring dead shows to a shambling mockery of life! Be here next time and leave your Gun Del Sol at home....

(Sharp readers will notice that this list is number 101; even sharper ones will remember that there hasn't been a 100 yet. I have plans for that one, so I've skipped it for now.)

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April 3

Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA! Welcome back to meddling in God's domain! Last year, as some of you will remember, I created Zombie FiveMinute.net. (Check the news page if you've forgotten the premise.) It didn't really get off the ground, it just shambled a bit and then fell over. So this year I decided to bring it back to life... as a zombie!

Then I remembered it was already a zombie. Did that stop me? Pfft. Welcome to Zombie Zombie FiveMinute.net!

Those of you who took a look on April 1 (the bold, unheralded beginning of this new site, not that you should read anything into that) will have noticed the link to our first feature, Zombie Five-Minute 4chan Memes. Zombies are, of course, slow, so I've had trouble getting the site to produce anything further. But it will, so help me! And in the meantime, I've updated the Statement of BRAINS and such.

So come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...

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February 21

Guess what? Today I've got two new TJI Briefs for you, both slightly past their obvious inspiration dates but still edible. Here's #5, Sheridan unveils groundhog plan, and the very strange #6, Giants crush patriots.

(Also, we've now moved to a better server. Thanks as usual to AntonyF for the seamless changeover.)

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January 15

Okay, let's do this thing! My original plan was to whip this up for January 1, but as you'll see, it expanded a bit -- mostly because I wanted to give a couple of my favourite new sf shows their first appearance at 5M.net. Here are four, count 'em six (wait, what?), new Top 10 lists:

• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Voyager Characters
• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Enterprise Characters
• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Torchwood Characters

• The Top 30 New Year's Resolutions of Heroes Characters

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January 8

I decided a while ago to cut down on personal stuff in updates. As usual, however, I overdid it and found myself reluctant to make any updates without new content, leaving readers in the dark. So today I'm going to explain a bit about my current status.

My Master's program in Waterloo is nearly complete. I submitted my thesis in December; all I have to do now is make any changes the readers suggest and then give my talk. I'm going on to a PhD, but I don't know where yet, so I'm spending the next two terms back in Ottawa with my folks. During that time, I'll apply to the schools I'm interested in, do a lot of mathematical reading, and otherwise take a (for once) well-earned break from graduate school.

If that sounds like good news for 5M.net, it should -- sort of. I miss this site and I'm really looking forward to working on it again. But although I overdid the whole "school before site" thing with that seven-month absence, the principle is right. When something scholastic or otherwise important comes up, updates will have to wait. Daily posts are nice if I have something to post or say, but when I don't, I won't sweat it.

The other problem, temporary but irritating, is that my computer isn't set up here yet and won't have net access either until I can pick up a wireless card. I don't like doing site work on the family computer for a number of reasons, so updates will probably be small until that's resolved. Shouldn't take long, though.

Okay, enough talk. I hope to have some content next update, so stay tuned.

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January 2

For today's update, I've brought the main pages of our This Just In and Top 10 subsites up to date. Baby steps, people.

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January 1

For our first 2008 update, here's something I've been meaning to add for ages: a site search box. It's on the front page. Between this and Opera's custom search function, my ability to type "site:fiveminute.net" at ludicrous speed is now officially useless.

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December 31

Zeke's Better Judgment: Slow year, huh?

Yeah. For the site, anyway. Real life is another story.

Zeke's Better Judgment: A story that no one needs to hear, but I bet you'll still --

I finished my thesis! My Master's degree is almost complete. I just need to give the talk next month, and then I'm home free.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Uh huh. Anything else you want to bore people with? Perhaps a little moaning about how some girl crushed your soul?

That happened twice this year. See? I haven't just been sitting around.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Yeah, you're a real dynamo. You're the transwarp bowling ball of productivity.

And this post is just to get in one more 2007 entry. I have an actual update pla--

Zeke's Better Judgment: Oooo, an UPDATE! Sound the alarm! Run for the hills, Mabel!

What are you so cranky about?

Zeke's Better Judgment: Perhaps it hasn't occurred to you that I stop existing when you let the site go dead like this. It's really annoying.

Come on, you're my better judgment. I use you all the time.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Remind me: in what manner do you buy box after box of comics? And stay up late playing video games when you have a cold? And backdate newsposts because there are still time zones where it's not midnight yet?

(sigh) Against my better judgment.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Exactly. I can't get a word in edgewise except online, where you think it's funny.

All right, all right, point taken. But it is funny.

Zeke's Sense of Humour: Actually...

You stay out of this.

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May 19

Welcome back to what I hope will be a better update schedule. Work's still going on, but one course is over and I got a big chunk handed in yesterday for the other one, so I'm gonna let myself make updates again (small ones until I'm completely done).

Those who visit the forums will have noticed that the near-impossible has happened: I actually did something with Fiver By Committee! For those who don't know or don't remember, Fiver By Committee is a forum thing where we take a movie one scene a time and members post their fiverified versions of the scene, then vote on which one's best. The first one (The Matrix) has been basically done for a long time, and I'm going to publish it in the June anniversary event (as indeed I meant to do last year).

In the meantime, we're choosing our next target. If you think you might like to join in, go vote in the poll. Most of the regulars have already voted, but I'll leave it open a couple more days for those just reading about it now.

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May 5

It's Cinco de Mayo, and you know what that brings to my mind: why the hell did I just hear fireworks go off? This is Canada. Victoria Day isn't for another two weeks.

Seriously though, I'd be remiss if I let 5/5 go by without updating FiveMinute.net. And while my current busy streak won't be over for a few more days, I did recently take a little time to finish a fiver I started years ago. Allow me to explain. You all know Catalina Marina (or if you don't, you should); she's notable as the author of multiple fivers and a longstanding community member. In particular, she's just about the only OC fan around here besides me. Now, I promised Cat a fiver for her birthday a while back (as alluded to in Voyagers 7), so when I realized that the OC's second-season premiere mentioned a place called Catalina, I had the perfect target.

After my usual fashion, I took forever; Cat has celebrated three birthdays since then. But like a goldfish, I never forget. (Or is that elephants? I forget.) And so here, at long last, is Five-Minute "The Distance".

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April 11

Oops! I just realized one of the scenes I wrote is missing. I've added it now -- it's the second last on the page. (The scenes are only loosely ordered, by the way.)

On a related note, an attentive reader pointed out to me that most of the Tenth Doctor fivers were missing. This was an accidental result of my thorough spring cleaning of the site a while back. I've restored them now -- let me know if anything else is AWOL.

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April 9

I didn't really have time to write this, but I feel that I've earned an update. You wouldn't believe the couple of weeks I've had. It's one hit after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

So here's a little something seasonal -- at least it was supposed to be little. It sorta grew. Until there were 14 segments. Including a really big one. Look, the point is, here's Scenes From the Easter Egg Hunt at FiveMinute.net.

(Note: There is actually not an Easter egg in this one, so don't bother looking. I couldn't think of anything. Maybe next time.)

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April 2

Rats. This was gonna be a pretty cool April Fool's event, but I am officially out of time for anything other than school right now. The next two weeks will be brutal. If all goes well, I'll come back to Zombie FiveMinute.net later, as it was going to include at least one thing (ENT-based) that I've been playing with for quite a while. Until then, I may take a few minutes when I can and post something easy like Smallville fivers, but no promises.

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April 1

You know that cancellation problem I was talking about yesterday? I've solved it -- by creating a monster. Welcome to Zombie FiveMinute.net!

See, here's my reasoning. Shows that are cancelled are basically dead. Now if there's one thing I've learned from horror movies, it's that any idiot can bring back the dead, just not in any way they'll like. But that would be the case anyway, because what show would want to be resurrected on the internet instead of TV? It fits like a glove, I tell you.

This is the answer to all our problems. When a good show is cancelled, we just bring it back as a zombie here at Z5M.net. It gets a new lease on a shambling mockery of life, we get to watch it shamble, and if the occasional viewer's brain is eaten, we'll still be doing better than reality shows, right? Best of all, I already have a head start with the VVS8 and 9 fivers!

So keep watching the front page, because more of those links will start lighting up. Until then, BRAAAAIIINS!

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March 31

You guys may have been surprised that I didn't say anything about The OC getting cancelled. It's not that I wasn't upset about it -- I was. But I think I may have developed cancellation fatigue. Every year, more good shows are cancelled before their time. Who has the energy to be outraged about all of them?

I mean, what can we do? Not even TrekUnited, probably the biggest fan campaign in recent years, was able to save its show. Cartoons are one thing, but live action shows are too expensive to go back and start producing again. The writing is on the wall: only crap will prosper.

But resignation isn't my style. In fact, against my better judgment, I'm starting to think about --

Zeke's Better Judgment: Ohhh no you don't. I'm not falling for this again.

Falling for what?

Zeke's Better Judgment: Don't pretend you don't know. Last year you did that whole act leading up to the April Fool's event. Well, you're not dragging me into it this time. If you want to mess with people, do it yourself.

Wait! Come back! I'm not --

Huh.

So, um, where was I... oh yeah. You know what's cool? Zombies.

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March 11

B5 time! Here's a Sa'ar Chasm fiver that's been waiting for too long: "Dust to Dust." Sa'ar has dedicated this to the memory of Andreas "G'Kar" Katsulas, a tremendous actor I once got to see in person. (Poor Sa'ar. In such a short time as a section head, this is his second memorial fiver.)

On a side note, those are waiting for me to reply to them about one thing or another will be pleased to hear that I'm finally making some real progress on my email backlog. I've already reduced my inbox load by 100 messages. This'll mean the publication of some long-delayed guest fivers.

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March 8

Man, I'm so behind on Derek's Smallville fivers. Time to start catching up. Here are "Rage" and "Static."

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March 4

Remember Top 10 List #83? It was a birthday present for Gatac, a forum community member who happens to be very fond of the movie Equilibrium. How fond, you ask? Don't ask me, ask him -- or just read his first fiver, Five-Minute Equilibrium.

Now, those who have asked to do movie fivers before will be crying foul here, because our usual policy is that only staffers do movies. That's still the usual policy, but I invited Gatac to write this one for the 2006 site anniversary event. That event, of course, didn't get off the ground in time (as tends to happen with our anniversary events every other year). It's still a solid concept, the plans still work, so it'll be the 2007 event instead. But I've already made Gatac wait too long to see his fiver published. So here it is, and I think you'll agree that he's off to a good start.

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