FiveMinute.net News

maintained by Zeke

LATEST UPDATE

November 6

Today's link: the ringworld. I've linked to it before, but that was eight years ago, and it's still the best Ring site around. This time I want to highlight a couple of specific sections. The scripts and translations page is a great resource; among other things, it includes full translations by founder J Lopez of the original Japanese movie and the manga of the sequel, Rasen. If you've ever wondered how I became such a Ring series connoisseur in the first place when I've mentioned I can barely watch the freaking things, that's how. The fanfic section also has some interesting items, including a spooky sequel, "6155", by J himself (see if you can decode the title!) and two short pieces by nostalgia, an acquaintance of mine whose fic I've recommended before.

But that's odd... two Ring updates in a row? Eh. It's probably nothing. Or maybe I'm just doing it because J vanished off the face of the Earth in '07 or so; four years since last update makes even me look good.

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RECENT UPDATES

November 5

Remember, remember the fifth of November! Specifically, the one back in 2005, when I posted Five-Minute Rings. Yep, this is an X Years Ago post, and today X=6. The '05 Hallowe'en event was a sequel to the '03 event; like most sequels, it didn't quite deliver, but there was some good stuff. My contribution was this fiver of a DVD extra taking place before The Ring Two. Rings packed a lot of scares into a short runtime and laid some groundwork for the movie. As with my fiver of the first film, there are a few in-jokes here for Ring fans; for instance, "general discussion" and "serious theorizing" are shoutouts to the real Ring forum (apparently down right now), which had boards labeled that way.

Why would I relink something so obscure? Let's say it's because Daylight Savings Time is mentioned in the fiver, making it timely. That is the reason. There are no others.

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November 4

Today's link is to the LJ of squid314 (Scott to his friends), specifically his analysis of the relative unrealisticness of certain popular fiction franchises. He first considers Babylon 5, then Doctor Who... but what's the most far-fetched one of all? The answer may surprise you. (The rest of Scott's journal is worth checking out too, as he's a smart guy in general. He won points with me right off with the pangrammatic title.)

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November 3

Today's link is to one of my favourite comic book sites: Comics Should Be Good, which recently turned five years old (young'uns). Like this site, CSBG has a mission, one that's expressed in the title: comics aren't always good, but they can be and often have been, and we shouldn't settle for less.

There are various writers, but it's Brian Cronin's baby, and the main attraction is his long-running column Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed. It's sorta the Snopes of comics, covering a wide range of rumours; the stories behind them are often more interesting than the rumours themselves, and Brian researches them well. There's plenty to interest even the most casual comic fan. For instance, today's rumours include one about Spock (which a Trekkie will probably know is false just by virtue of having heard the real story).

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November 2

NaNuPoMo continues today with a link to a site I often find very useful. One weakness of Google is that it mostly lacks the traditional DOS wildcard search. You can stick a * in a phrase, say "chakotay 1 * 0", and match a word or two, but you can't use ? to match characters or * for parts of words. Someone had to fill this gap (match this pattern?), and OneLook did so. It's a multi-dictionary search, which is useful on its own, but it also has full wildcard abilities and other handy features. So next time you're stuck on a crossword answer like, I dunno, "P_R_H_S", use OneLook to narrow it down.

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Let's get things started with a highly germane link. Nate the Great started a FiveMinute.net page at TV Tropes a while ago. (TVT itself would definitely have been a daily link a few years back, had I still been doing them; nowadays it's hardly necessary.) I'm glad to see us represented there. As noted, the page is fairly sparse -- it can definitely use some activity. Among other things, I'd be happy to see a broader range of site material represented, and tropes that apply to more than just individual fiver scenes. I'm not quite narcissistic enough to edit my own site's trope page, so It's Up To You!

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October 3

So who's been checking out Terra Nova? I've been looking forward to this show since it was announced last year; the biggest name attached to it is Stephen Spielberg, but the one that got my attention was Brannon Braga, who's the showrunner. (Ironically, he recently mentioned that "Terra Nova" was his least favourite ENT episode.) Good Trek fans will recognize another of the producers, René Echevarria, and David Fury of Whedonverse fame was involved for a while. So far I'm cautiously optimistic -- the pilot was amazing.

Or was it? Not according to This Just In! Back when the show was first announced, I had an idea for a TJIB and even wrote most of it, but never came back to it. Now that the show's on the air, I decided to finish off the article. The premise is now just a wee bit impossible, so pretend you're reading it last year. Here's Terra Nova pre-cancelled.

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August 2

Big news today! As many of you know, the government has lately been embroiled in a fierce dispute that threatens to kill us all -- or worse, make us pay attention to economics. Both sides recently made their cases to the public, and This Just In was on the scene. We're proud to bring you Live Coverage #3: The replication-limit war.

(Note: Pixel-editing a picture of Soval is exactly as much fun as you think it is.)

(Note 2: Oh yeah, I said "details later" last update. There isn't much to tell; site stuff got derailed again, but the anniversary event is still on and will be concluded as soon as I can manage.)

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June 30

Details later. Right now, this.

Ten Little Comedians, Part 4

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December 28

Merry Christmas! And welcome back, so to speak. You've probably been wondering where I disappeared to when our tenth-anniversary celebration seemed to be going so well. And indeed, it was. I was having a great time with the event, and I was determined not to go MIA for once unless something truly huge came up.

Well, as it turned out, something did. I got accepted to the PhD program in pure math at my alma mater, Carleton University. I'm absolutely thrilled to be back in academia -- but when you've been away for a couple of years, transferring all your mental energy from potential to kinetic is hard work. And while I wanted to get the site back on track, getting my career back on track was a much higher priority. I was even too busy to update on my birthday, which I really like doing. (I'll have to settle for today being the 28th, which is the age I turned. Sigh.)

Don't get the wrong idea -- I'm not quitting 5M.net. RL just had to come first for a while. And if it has to do so again, it will. That's the deal. But right now, I'm finally in a position to ease the site back into my regimen.

XAW will resume next update. Before that, though, I've got something special for you. Not only is this a fiver for a show we've never so much as mentioned here, it's also written in a way I've never tried before. It is...

Five-Minute Breaking Bad (the pilot episode)

I decided to check out the show recently since I'd heard good things about it (suspiciously good things; it was setting off my overhype alarms). By the third scene or so, I was getting so many fiver ideas I had to start writing them down. And I wound up going through the whole episode this way, watching a few scenes at a time and then fiving them. It's the first fiver I've ever written completely blind -- not just unfamilar with the show, but unaware even what would happen next.

It's an experiment. For a show about chemistry, I figure that's appropriate. There are bits that probably won't make sense if you haven't seen the episode, but what else is new? Enjoy!

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July 25

Day 9 is Sunday, and that means it's time for This Just In! Today's issue is notable for two reasons: it's the first normal issue of TJI since '06 (since then it's been Briefs and whatnot), and it marks the long-awaited return of IJD GAF. Straight outta San Diego Comic-Con 2010 -- or was it 1865? -- here's IJD with TJI #51: Abrams' Lincoln shot by Joan Wilkes, booth babe.

Be here for Day 10 (which won't take as long as Day 9; this week was my most exhausting math camp ever, and I really had no time for anything else).

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July 17

For Day 8, it's the return of one of my favourite subsites! Five-Minute Mega Man hasn't seen activity since Cliffhanger Week, and in that time, something happened to the Mega Man series that nobody saw coming -- it went back to 8-bit. Mega Man 9 and 10 were made in the classic NES style by Inticreates (the guys behind the Mega Man Zero and ZX series). I always said Capcom would make those games someday, but I wasn't expecting retro. Nonetheless, they're lots of fun... and the latest one just happens to fit our theme perfectly.

So here's Five-Minute Mega Man 8. ...What? I'm not gonna do them out of order!

(Side note: I've had this fiver half done for quite a while, and it seems I must have worked on it sometime after watching Grenadier. The subtitle explains Grenade Man's line, and one of the author's obvious influences explains Mega Man's reply. Check the show out sometime; at 12 episodes, it's a good couple of afternoons' viewing.)

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July 12

Day 7 comin' at ya, and this one's really outta nowhere. Tate, of Chex Quest fame, has been writing a number of other fivers. Today he hits 5M.net's newest section, becoming its first guest writer -- and unperturbed by the fact that I wrote off this whole genre in a previous fiver.

Here's Five-Minute Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz. I have it on Tate's authority that there are five Gundams and five pilots, so there's the XAW connection. I'd actually have settled for counting the number of letters in "Gundam Wing", but I'm easy to please.

By the way, Tate wrote this as a birthday present for his sister. Happy birthday, Tate's sister!

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July 7

Okay, who remembers that I skipped Top 10 list number 100 and went straight to 101? I did that for a reason. I wanted to save it for something special, the perfect thing to mark our tenth anniversary. A Top 10 list... of Top 10 lists.

Was this a good idea? Probably not, but most ideas aren't. And unlike most ideas, this one has come to fruition. Here are The Top 10 Top 10 Lists For FiveMinute.net's 10th Anniversary!

(I'd also like to toss out two forum links. First, I'm taking a little survey of what people want to see at this site in the future. Second, we've got a new Fiver By Committee going on -- all are welcome to join in.)

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June 30

It's a Derekstravaganza! Today he brings us not one but two items:

• First, it's Ten Little Comedians, Part 3, in which the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa why? (Wait, that might be something else.)
• Top 10 lists, of course, fit our theme automatically. Here's Derek with The Top 10 Reasons for FiveMinute.net's Inactivity Over the Last Few Years. (I can't believe I'm posting another one of these...)

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June 28

Today another staff member returns, and he's got something that should please the readers who have been bringing up Doctor Who. Here's Derek Dean with our first Martha-era fiver, "Gridlock". (Isn't it convenient how any Tenth Doctor episode automatically fits our theme?)

Be here tomorrow, and if you haven't dropped by the forum yet, do it! People are turning up that I thought were dead!

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June 27

Time for Ten Little Comedians, Part 2, also by me. What are we doing in the house? Who invited us? Why are we locked in? This part will answer... well, one of those questions, but answering them all now would be no fun!

Two other notes: first, since I've been pushing midnight with these updates, I've skipped the 26th for honesty's sake. Second, I sent out a mass forum email announcing the tenth anniversary, and I am stunned and delighted by how many past members are showing up. I've even restarted the legendary Topic Title in celebration. Come join the party!

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June 25

Welcome back for Day 2 of XAW! ...Yes, that's my abbreviation for Tenth Anniversary Week. No, I'm not changing it.

Today we have the first of several triumphant returns. Sa'ar Chasm is back with reinforcements -- a whole division of 'em. Here's Five-Minute "GROPOS", the tenth episode of Babylon 5's second season. Be sure to stay after the credits for this one!

(And yes, that's the 5MD episode graphic at the top of the page. I've subbed it in partly because it would make JMS pop a vein, but mostly because I discovered that not only is the 5MB5 graphic missing, it apparently always has been. There's no sign of it in my old copies of the site. Strange.)

Be here tomorrow for round three!

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June 24

Ladies, gentlemen, zombies, aliens, vampires, and robots... this site is now ten years old.

Okay, technically we turned 10 earlier this month, but I've long since lost track of the exact date. We used June 24 for the second-anniversary event, so I figured we'd use it for this one too. The important thing is, back in June 2000 (whoa), or roughly ten years ago (yikes), when I was ten years younger (not really, right?), I created a little something called Five-Minute Voyager. We've had our ups and downs, but most sites don't last nearly this long.

Naturally, that calls for a celebration. We're taking this one a bit slower than past events -- it'll be just one item most days, not an orgy of content like AU Week or something. But that content will be worthy of the occasion, with plenty of new material from me (including some that's long-awaited), and more from the staff and other contributors. What's more, by the time the event is over, things will look quite a bit different around here. I call it all Tenth Anniversary Week.

What, no theme? Ten is the theme. The word ten, the number 10, the numeral X, whatever. All of the "week"'s content fits this theme in some way. Mostly. I mean, sorta. Occasionally it requires some... well, you'll see.

Now let's get to the opening round!

• It wouldn't be an anniversary event without a panel discussion, so we staffers have come together for the first new one in four years! But how many of us will come out alive... from Ten Little Comedians?
• Today we've also got Live Long and Oops, a short Trek XI-related piece I wrote a while ago which now finds its proper home at 5M.net.

...Sorry, I won't do that again.

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June 19

Preparations for the 10th-anniversary event are in full swing (it starts on the 24th -- be here!). In the meantime, since the new stuff is being saved, I'm going to post a few things that are slightly used. Now and then over the past year, I wrote bits and pieces that couldn't go on 5M.net yet; instead I posted them at my LJ and such. Now that the anime event is over, I can bring them here.

Remember Five-Second Voyager? It was the '05 April Fool's event; there's a summary on the Features page. I've always said I might come back to that, and last year I got just the right inspiration. This time the target is a horror series which is surprisingly intelligent, but has developed certain clichés.

Five-Second SAW. Read or not? Make your choice.

(Those who read this on my LJ will find that VI is covered now. And by the way, I don't recommend these movies per se. I love the mind games, but watching Jigsaw's traps play out is not fun, and takes a strong stomach. Don't show your six-year-old and then blame me.)

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June 10

Hmm. I've taken several stabs at this blurb now, but nothing quite feels right. Too much talk, too little... you know what? I'm just gonna throw it to you.

Five-Minute Prince of Persia.

Mind the spikes.

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June 2

Welcome to June -- and the start of something new at 5M.net, or rather, the return of something old. I used to make newsposts a lot with or without new content; a lot of these were link posts and such. (Hard as it is to believe now, there have even been periods when I updated daily!) Eventually I got out of the habit; among other reasons, I was finding it harder to come up with links. But I've had several years to accumulate more. So, as part of getting 5M.net rolling for our tenth birthday, I'm gonna start making link posts again -- and I have just the one to start with.

Last week saw the end of two television phenomena: 24 and Lost. The latter in particular got the attention of a lot of people I know. I've often considered the possibility of doing Lost fivers; the main obstacle is that I never got into the show. By the time I got past the superficial resemblance to Survivor, I was already seasons behind. So "5ML" never materialized.

But a blatant ripoff did.

I've known about Five-Minute Lost by Adam pretty much since it was created. (Hitcounter.) That wouldn't have worked if he hadn't linked to me, so it's not like he was hiding his source -- in fact, you'll notice he uses the term "ripped off" himself. He's not the first to do something like this; two of the exosites started out the same way, and there are others around. I tend to let it slide as long as 5M.net is acknowledged, since it's flattering and I can't exactly send out C&Ds anyway.

It looks like Adam stopped Losting a while back, but he wrote about ten fivers first. For obvious reasons, I can't vouch for them -- but the parts I read seem pretty funny to this outsider. Go check 'em out.

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May 26

At long last, here's our first '10 update free of April Foolishness. As you may recall, I'm a big Heroes fan. And as you've probably heard, the show has just been cancelled. There's talk of a wrapup TV-movie, but that's no substitute for another season.

The most infuriating thing is that it feels like half the internet is cheering. Not even Enterprise had such a dance festival over its grave. Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten how good bashers are at inflating their numbers. But I don't understand why anyone would cheer for a cancellation -- it's a mindset I can't relate to. (Okay, maybe a little, but surely not every basher has an ex-girlfriend who's a big fan.)

Heroes had a good run, and I'm glad of that. It was never quite as good after Season 1, but that just means it was an above-average show instead of an extraordinary one. I know four seasons is more than most sf series get, and things weren't the same at this point without Nathan and Mohinder, my two favourite characters. But I'm still sorry to see the series go.

And when you read The Top 10 Things We'll Miss Out On Now That Heroes is Cancelled, you'll be sorry too.

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May 7

Wow did that wrapup article take longer to write than I thought. But it wraps a lot up!

Five-Minute Anime: The Wrapup

I don't usually do this sort of "DVD commentary", but there was a lot going on in this event, and I want to share as much of it as possible. When you read this, you'll have a better idea what the hell I was thinking. There's also a state-of-the-site report of sorts.

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April 1

The wait is over! Today the final slot on Five-Minute Anime's front page is filled! Comin' at you live from the 3WA, it's one of the all-time classics: Five-Minute The Dirty Pair!

Hold it. What the hell?

Enterprise this time? And it bears even less resemblance to the actual anime than that Seven thing did!

Well, great. Between the TJI and the last two "fivers", the pattern is obvious. There's no point in denying it -- this site was never meant to be Five-Minute Anime at all. No matter what I write, it turns back into Star Trek or something else from the old FiveMinute.net.

So be it. We're 5M.net again. Anime will just be a section like any other.

...

AND THAT, FOLKS, IS WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS THING ALL ALONG.

Toldja I had a plan.

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April 2

Now then, back to business. For today's update we have --

Wait! I've got it! Anime!

That's what all the cool sites are into now! Who needs sci-fi? There's a whole new genre just waiting for me to attack it! My hitcounts will soar! My frustrations will be crushed by giant robots! I'll never have to hear the name "Joss Whedon" again!

From now on, this site is Five-Minute Anime! New front page! New Statement of Purpose! New Top 10 list! And exclamation points for all!

^_^

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April 1

Zeke's Better Judgment: Wait, what? Was that it?

Was what it?

Zeke's Better Judgment: The big April Fool's update! You didn't do anything!

Guess not. Looks like you were wrong about yesterday's post.

Zeke's Better Judgment: But it's a tradition! You always do some overextended April Fool's thing!

Always until now, apparently.

Zeke's Better Judgment: I can't believe you led me on like that! How dare you --

No. You know what? Shut up. I am sick to death of your attitude. You were mad at me for doing that event and now you're mad at me for not doing it. All you're interested in doing is attacking me. And for what? Because you think you know what's best?

Zeke's Better Judgment: I'm your better judgment! I inherently know what's best!

No, my hindsight does. You just know what seems best at a given time, and you're not even very good at that. So you can shove it.

Zeke's Better Judgment: But -- hey!

That feels better. Not much, but a little. Now to go do something ill-judged...

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March 31

Hey better judgment, ever feel like you're in a rut?

Zeke's Better Judgment: All the time. I call this rut "you".

Seriously, though. I dunno, I think all this Galactica is getting to me.

Zeke's Better Judgment: It was your idea. Wait, "all this"?

And if it's not BSG, it's some other sci-fi show. At the end of the day, is there really any difference? They all use the same basic plots and concepts. I could swap the characters' names in any given fiver and use it for another episode, or show even. Maybe it's time I took a whole new angle with this five-minute thing.

Zeke's Better Judgment: I don't... hold it. This is March 31st!

So?

Zeke's Better Judgment: So you're full of crap! You're just building up to an April Fool's event again!

Oh, come on. Is it so hard to believe I might really be trying to see my limitations and move beyond them?

Zeke's Better Judgment: You like your limitations. Complacency is your first, middle, and last name. And if you ever did move beyond them, you'd take one look around, get scared, and hop back in. I'm leaving. You can go jump in a lake.

...You know, I'm starting to wonder if my better judgment is really just my self-deprecation in disguise.

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March 18

The BSG relaunch continues today with Five-Minute "Six of One". (Spoilers up to the start of S4.) This'll seem like an odd choice since it's the second episode of Season 4, but when I was marathoning the first half of the season, that was the one that prodded me to five it right away.

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March 17

After an unexpected delay (one reason for which will be clear shortly), the BSG relaunch now continues. We started with an early episode, so next up is a recent one: Five-Minute "Deadlock". Spoilers up to near-series-end, so be warned.

This is actually not the one I mentioned having already written; that'll be next. I wanted something more recent first so I could advertise the event around (which I'll do now; better late than never).

Other things to be aware of:

• The FAQ for this subsite is now up. No, I will not call it a FrAQ.
• The show is ending this Friday, so now's the time to talk about it! We've got a thread at the forums for that purpose -- drop by and say something.
• The "Deadlock" fiver includes a reference to a non-fiver BSG piece I've been toying with since about 2006. I'm hoping to finish it for this event. Feel free to guess which scene has the "foreshadowing".
• Happy St. Patrick's Day and happy belated Pi Day. I'm working on something for the latter, but that'll be after the BSG event.

Finally, a personal note: two weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. I've said a few things about this at my LJ, but it's actually relevant to FiveMinute.net. You see, "Zeke" isn't short for Ezekiel -- it's a nickname my grandpa gave me when I was just a baby. I use it as my handle whenever I need one, and it always reminds me of him. Rest in peace, Grandpa.

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February 20

First update of 2009, and it's a new subsite, baby. Or rather, it's the long-awaited relaunch of what has until now been a subsite-in-name-only: Five-Minute Battlestar Galactica. Read the article if you wish, and then feast upon my first fiver of a regular BSG episode: Five-Minute "33".

I'm aiming for at least one fiver from each season in this launch event, and I've already written the next one. Stay tuned.

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November 21

One of my biggest regrets about this long period of inactivity is that I missed the 2008 election, which was prime satire material. (Of course, everyone else and his sister thought so too...) Toward the end, I had an idea which combined one of the shows I've been meaning to cover here -- Heroes -- with my favourite way of doing political comedy at 5M.net. I really wanted it out before Election Day, but it took a while to do, mostly because I kept thinking of things to add.

But past its prime or not, I still think it's worth finding out... How to Debate an Exploding Candidate.

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November 12

Ladies, gentlemen, and zombies... I am back. This site has been dormant for too long. I'll have more on that later in one of my usual needlessly talky articles, but first I'm going to blow your minds.

In November 2002, I started a little something called Fiver By Committee. It's been running intermittently since then; it attracted lots of interest, but for one reason or another, it tended to go dead for months at a time. All the "blocks" have been basically done for about a year now, and we've chosen our next target. (I even made a reference to one of the completed scenes in The Disbanding 2.) But I dropped the ball again and never actually finished the job.

No longer. It's here. Behold Five-Minute The Matrix -- by you, with all-new starting and ending scenes by yours truly.

It was inevitable, Mr. Anderson.

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June 11

Okay, this has gone on long enough. (And then longer.) I'm still going to come back to this zombie thing eventually, goddammit, but it's time to restore the main page. I'm out of town for the next few days for my convocation; when I get back I'll try to finally get the site moving again. And yes, there'll be an anniversary event, though not on the 15th (I won't be back yet, and that was an arbitrary date anyway).

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April 9

...pation!

Yes, I know Sa'ar already said it in the comment thread. What's your point? Anyway, the undeadening continues today with The Top 10 Signs That Your Girlfriend is a Zombie. Zombies are a greater threat now than ever before, so this (my first "girlfriend" list in two years, by the way) may be useful.

But that's a side trip. Time to get back to the serious business of restoring dead shows to a shambling mockery of life! Be here next time and leave your Gun Del Sol at home....

(Sharp readers will notice that this list is number 101; even sharper ones will remember that there hasn't been a 100 yet. I have plans for that one, so I've skipped it for now.)

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April 3

Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA! Welcome back to meddling in God's domain! Last year, as some of you will remember, I created Zombie FiveMinute.net. (Check the news page if you've forgotten the premise.) It didn't really get off the ground, it just shambled a bit and then fell over. So this year I decided to bring it back to life... as a zombie!

Then I remembered it was already a zombie. Did that stop me? Pfft. Welcome to Zombie Zombie FiveMinute.net!

Those of you who took a look on April 1 (the bold, unheralded beginning of this new site, not that you should read anything into that) will have noticed the link to our first feature, Zombie Five-Minute 4chan Memes. Zombies are, of course, slow, so I've had trouble getting the site to produce anything further. But it will, so help me! And in the meantime, I've updated the Statement of BRAINS and such.

So come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...

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February 21

Guess what? Today I've got two new TJI Briefs for you, both slightly past their obvious inspiration dates but still edible. Here's #5, Sheridan unveils groundhog plan, and the very strange #6, Giants crush patriots.

(Also, we've now moved to a better server. Thanks as usual to AntonyF for the seamless changeover.)

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January 15

Okay, let's do this thing! My original plan was to whip this up for January 1, but as you'll see, it expanded a bit -- mostly because I wanted to give a couple of my favourite new sf shows their first appearance at 5M.net. Here are four, count 'em six (wait, what?), new Top 10 lists:

• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Voyager Characters
• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Enterprise Characters
• The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of Torchwood Characters

• The Top 30 New Year's Resolutions of Heroes Characters

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January 8

I decided a while ago to cut down on personal stuff in updates. As usual, however, I overdid it and found myself reluctant to make any updates without new content, leaving readers in the dark. So today I'm going to explain a bit about my current status.

My Master's program in Waterloo is nearly complete. I submitted my thesis in December; all I have to do now is make any changes the readers suggest and then give my talk. I'm going on to a PhD, but I don't know where yet, so I'm spending the next two terms back in Ottawa with my folks. During that time, I'll apply to the schools I'm interested in, do a lot of mathematical reading, and otherwise take a (for once) well-earned break from graduate school.

If that sounds like good news for 5M.net, it should -- sort of. I miss this site and I'm really looking forward to working on it again. But although I overdid the whole "school before site" thing with that seven-month absence, the principle is right. When something scholastic or otherwise important comes up, updates will have to wait. Daily posts are nice if I have something to post or say, but when I don't, I won't sweat it.

The other problem, temporary but irritating, is that my computer isn't set up here yet and won't have net access either until I can pick up a wireless card. I don't like doing site work on the family computer for a number of reasons, so updates will probably be small until that's resolved. Shouldn't take long, though.

Okay, enough talk. I hope to have some content next update, so stay tuned.

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January 2

For today's update, I've brought the main pages of our This Just In and Top 10 subsites up to date. Baby steps, people.

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January 1

For our first 2008 update, here's something I've been meaning to add for ages: a site search box. It's on the front page. Between this and Opera's custom search function, my ability to type "site:fiveminute.net" at ludicrous speed is now officially useless.

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December 31

Zeke's Better Judgment: Slow year, huh?

Yeah. For the site, anyway. Real life is another story.

Zeke's Better Judgment: A story that no one needs to hear, but I bet you'll still --

I finished my thesis! My Master's degree is almost complete. I just need to give the talk next month, and then I'm home free.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Uh huh. Anything else you want to bore people with? Perhaps a little moaning about how some girl crushed your soul?

That happened twice this year. See? I haven't just been sitting around.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Yeah, you're a real dynamo. You're the transwarp bowling ball of productivity.

And this post is just to get in one more 2007 entry. I have an actual update pla--

Zeke's Better Judgment: Oooo, an UPDATE! Sound the alarm! Run for the hills, Mabel!

What are you so cranky about?

Zeke's Better Judgment: Perhaps it hasn't occurred to you that I stop existing when you let the site go dead like this. It's really annoying.

Come on, you're my better judgment. I use you all the time.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Remind me: in what manner do you buy box after box of comics? And stay up late playing video games when you have a cold? And backdate newsposts because there are still time zones where it's not midnight yet?

(sigh) Against my better judgment.

Zeke's Better Judgment: Exactly. I can't get a word in edgewise except online, where you think it's funny.

All right, all right, point taken. But it is funny.

Zeke's Sense of Humour: Actually...

You stay out of this.

[Comments]

May 19

Welcome back to what I hope will be a better update schedule. Work's still going on, but one course is over and I got a big chunk handed in yesterday for the other one, so I'm gonna let myself make updates again (small ones until I'm completely done).

Those who visit the forums will have noticed that the near-impossible has happened: I actually did something with Fiver By Committee! For those who don't know or don't remember, Fiver By Committee is a forum thing where we take a movie one scene a time and members post their fiverified versions of the scene, then vote on which one's best. The first one (The Matrix) has been basically done for a long time, and I'm going to publish it in the June anniversary event (as indeed I meant to do last year).

In the meantime, we're choosing our next target. If you think you might like to join in, go vote in the poll. Most of the regulars have already voted, but I'll leave it open a couple more days for those just reading about it now.

[Comments]

May 5

It's Cinco de Mayo, and you know what that brings to my mind: why the hell did I just hear fireworks go off? This is Canada. Victoria Day isn't for another two weeks.

Seriously though, I'd be remiss if I let 5/5 go by without updating FiveMinute.net. And while my current busy streak won't be over for a few more days, I did recently take a little time to finish a fiver I started years ago. Allow me to explain. You all know Catalina Marina (or if you don't, you should); she's notable as the author of multiple fivers and a longstanding community member. In particular, she's just about the only OC fan around here besides me. Now, I promised Cat a fiver for her birthday a while back (as alluded to in Voyagers 7), so when I realized that the OC's second-season premiere mentioned a place called Catalina, I had the perfect target.

After my usual fashion, I took forever; Cat has celebrated three birthdays since then. But like a goldfish, I never forget. (Or is that elephants? I forget.) And so here, at long last, is Five-Minute "The Distance".

[Comments]

April 11

Oops! I just realized one of the scenes I wrote is missing. I've added it now -- it's the second last on the page. (The scenes are only loosely ordered, by the way.)

On a related note, an attentive reader pointed out to me that most of the Tenth Doctor fivers were missing. This was an accidental result of my thorough spring cleaning of the site a while back. I've restored them now -- let me know if anything else is AWOL.

[Comments]

April 9

I didn't really have time to write this, but I feel that I've earned an update. You wouldn't believe the couple of weeks I've had. It's one hit after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

So here's a little something seasonal -- at least it was supposed to be little. It sorta grew. Until there were 14 segments. Including a really big one. Look, the point is, here's Scenes From the Easter Egg Hunt at FiveMinute.net.

(Note: There is actually not an Easter egg in this one, so don't bother looking. I couldn't think of anything. Maybe next time.)

[Comments]

April 2

Rats. This was gonna be a pretty cool April Fool's event, but I am officially out of time for anything other than school right now. The next two weeks will be brutal. If all goes well, I'll come back to Zombie FiveMinute.net later, as it was going to include at least one thing (ENT-based) that I've been playing with for quite a while. Until then, I may take a few minutes when I can and post something easy like Smallville fivers, but no promises.

[Comments]

April 1

You know that cancellation problem I was talking about yesterday? I've solved it -- by creating a monster. Welcome to Zombie FiveMinute.net!

See, here's my reasoning. Shows that are cancelled are basically dead. Now if there's one thing I've learned from horror movies, it's that any idiot can bring back the dead, just not in any way they'll like. But that would be the case anyway, because what show would want to be resurrected on the internet instead of TV? It fits like a glove, I tell you.

This is the answer to all our problems. When a good show is cancelled, we just bring it back as a zombie here at Z5M.net. It gets a new lease on a shambling mockery of life, we get to watch it shamble, and if the occasional viewer's brain is eaten, we'll still be doing better than reality shows, right? Best of all, I already have a head start with the VVS8 and 9 fivers!

So keep watching the front page, because more of those links will start lighting up. Until then, BRAAAAIIINS!

[Comments]

March 31

You guys may have been surprised that I didn't say anything about The OC getting cancelled. It's not that I wasn't upset about it -- I was. But I think I may have developed cancellation fatigue. Every year, more good shows are cancelled before their time. Who has the energy to be outraged about all of them?

I mean, what can we do? Not even TrekUnited, probably the biggest fan campaign in recent years, was able to save its show. Cartoons are one thing, but live action shows are too expensive to go back and start producing again. The writing is on the wall: only crap will prosper.

But resignation isn't my style. In fact, against my better judgment, I'm starting to think about --

Zeke's Better Judgment: Ohhh no you don't. I'm not falling for this again.

Falling for what?

Zeke's Better Judgment: Don't pretend you don't know. Last year you did that whole act leading up to the April Fool's event. Well, you're not dragging me into it this time. If you want to mess with people, do it yourself.

Wait! Come back! I'm not --

Huh.

So, um, where was I... oh yeah. You know what's cool? Zombies.

[Comments]

March 11

B5 time! Here's a Sa'ar Chasm fiver that's been waiting for too long: "Dust to Dust." Sa'ar has dedicated this to the memory of Andreas "G'Kar" Katsulas, a tremendous actor I once got to see in person. (Poor Sa'ar. In such a short time as a section head, this is his second memorial fiver.)

On a side note, those are waiting for me to reply to them about one thing or another will be pleased to hear that I'm finally making some real progress on my email backlog. I've already reduced my inbox load by 100 messages. This'll mean the publication of some long-delayed guest fivers.

[Comments]

March 8

Man, I'm so behind on Derek's Smallville fivers. Time to start catching up. Here are "Rage" and "Static."

[Comments]

March 4

Remember Top 10 List #83? It was a birthday present for Gatac, a forum community member who happens to be very fond of the movie Equilibrium. How fond, you ask? Don't ask me, ask him -- or just read his first fiver, Five-Minute Equilibrium.

Now, those who have asked to do movie fivers before will be crying foul here, because our usual policy is that only staffers do movies. That's still the usual policy, but I invited Gatac to write this one for the 2006 site anniversary event. That event, of course, didn't get off the ground in time (as tends to happen with our anniversary events every other year). It's still a solid concept, the plans still work, so it'll be the 2007 event instead. But I've already made Gatac wait too long to see his fiver published. So here it is, and I think you'll agree that he's off to a good start.

[Comments]

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