Five-Minute Stargate



Ye Olde Episode Indexe Page. It's a table! A massive table! Actually, it's six tables. But screw that. :) Bow before my mighty tables! Wah hah hah!

Confused? Boggled? Wondering about the usage of English idioms? You're clearly mad. But here's 5MSGisms anyway. Not so much in the "complete" category, but I'll be working on that. Soon.

The film fiver is up! Check it out!

Season 1 | Season 2 | Season 3
Season 4 | Season 5 | Season 6

Season 1
Children of the Gods Episode 1x1: The Stargate Program gets reinstated. Apophis gets domestic. Teal'c gets insubordinate. O'Neill gets heroic. Carter gets queasy. Daniel gets whumped. Sha're gets a name change. Skaara gets shafted. Good things come to those who wait, kids. :)
The Enemy Within Episode 1x2: Kawalsky learns that sometimes sharing is bad. Teal'c is so cool.
Emancipation Episode 1x3: Carter breaks several laws, goads a Mongol warlord, and wears a dress. Daniel regrets missing that one Ancient Cultures class.
The Broca Divide Episode 1x4: In her first appearance, Doc Fraiser prescribes allergy medication. Lots and lots of allergy medication. And saves the day.
The First Commandment Episode 1x5: The first of the Ex Files! Jonas declares himself a deity, but fails to factor in Carter's lethal relationship mojo.
Cold Lazarus Episode 1x6: The second of the Ex Files! The pity vote goes to O'Neill's ex-wife. Close runner up: O'Neill's melancholy, radioactive clone.
The Nox Episode 1x7: G-1 encounters the ancient Nox, who may or may not be Communists.
Brief Candle Episode 1x8: O'Neill learns why you shouldn't rush things. Or drink the water. Or eat the food. Or accidentally marry the locals.
Thor's Hammer Episode 1x9: James Earl Jones is just cool. Carter and Daniel provide stirring filler material. O'Neill and Teal'c resist the Dark Side.
The Torment of Tantalus Episode 1x10: Third in the Ex Files! SG-1 finds Catherine Langford's long-lost fiancÚ at an ancient outpost full of amazing stuff. Daniel really needs to start carrying a camera.
Bloodlines Episode 1x11: Fourth in the Ex Files! Teal'c and O'Neill try to rescue Teal'c's ex-wife and son. Carter and Daniel try to save the day. Everything works out in the end. Sorta.
Fire and Water Episode 1x12: Fifth in the Ex Files! Carter gets hypnotized. O'Neill gets traumatized. Daniel gets scrutinized. Teal'c gets wet.
Hathor Episode 1x13: A lot of people mispronounce Hathor's name. And incorrectly use the term "pheromones." Ack.
Singularity Episode 1x14: It's time for... Carter's Maternal Aspect! O'Neill and Teal'c work on their monitor tans.
Cor-ai Episode 1x15: Teal'c is arrested for murder on GrecoRomanWorld. O'Neill and Daniel end up as co-counsels. Mayhem ensues.
Enigma Episode 1x16: SG-1 saves the first example of technologically advanced peoples whose name starts with T-O. Sam gets really into "Bring Your Cat To Work Day."
Solitudes Episode 1x17: O'Neill has this weird temperature karma thing going on. Carter gets harsh B.C. Winter Hair.
Tin Man Episode 1x18: Beware strange men with an affinity for machines. SG-1 learns not to fall asleep on the job.
There But For The Grace Of God Episode 1x19: Daniel experiences the same kind of stuff in an alternate reality that I do on a monday, complete with disconcerting hair changes and an alien invasion.
Politics Episode 1x20: SG-1 one learns an important Stargate Rule of Thumb: Politicians are big lamers. Kinsey is a big lamer, too. Teal'c decides to go freelance.
Within The Serpent's Grasp Episode 1x21: Season finale. SG-1 learns another important Rule of Thumb: Goa'ulds are big lamers. Apophis is a big lamer, too. Daniel might need to get those fillings checked.



Season 2
The Serpent's Lair Episode 2x1: Season premiere. Carter goes blind and bites people. O'Neill gets emotionally involved. Daniel gets whumped. SG-1 saves the world.
In The Line Of Duty Episode 2x2: Carter learns to think twice before giving mouth-to-mouth. Daniel gets whumped.
Prisoners Episode 2x3: Carter makes friends in prison with a woman who makes Dr. Mengele look like Mister Rogers. Daniel wins a fistfight. Sorta.
The Gamekeeper Episode 2x4: O'Neill and Daniel get whumped. Over and over again. Stargate Rule of Thumb: a trip down memory lane can be bad enough without repetition and an audience.
Need Episode 2x5: Daniel gets abducted, addicted, and made to wear a dress. Just Say No.
Thor's Chariot Episode 2x6: SG-1 learns they messed up real big, and now have to save another planet.
Message in a Bottle Episode 2x7: O'Neill gets his body hijacked. Simmons develops a potentially fatal crush on Carter. Carter saves the day, the world, Jack, and an alien species. And probably Simmons. Probably.
Family Episode 2x8: Part two of Ex File # 4. Teal'c has to save his son and ex-wife from Apophis. SG-1 saves the world. Again.
Secrets Episode 2x9: Daniel does the ER thing. Amaunet makes a cameo.
Bane Episode 2x10: Bad things happen to Teal'c, and he decides to blow off work.
The Tok'ra Episode 2x11: Part I of II. Psychic!Carter makes an appearance. So do Martouf and the rest of the Tok'ra.
The Tok'ra Episode 2x12: Part II of II. Carter's Dad gets a new friend.
Spirits Episode 2x13: Carter gets her first command. Stargate Rule of Thumb: Avoid doing bad things to hunter-gatherers or other small tribes.
Touchstone Episode 2x14: The N.I.D. does bad things to a small, primitive civilization. SG-1 does some heavy thwarting. See last Rule of Thumb.
The Fifth Race Episode 2x15: SG-1 finds a massive library and learns another Stargate Rule of Thumb: Avoid sticking your face into strange apertures.
A Matter of Time Episode 2x16: Due to a blackhole and resulting time dilation, most of Cheyenne Mountain experiences what I do on a monday.
Holiday Episode 2x17: Daniel gets his body hijacked. Mayhem ensues.
Serpent's Song Episode 2x18: Apophis learns that sanctuary doesn't count when you die.
One False Step Episode 2x19: Carter saves the day by using her amazing plant skills.
Show and Tell Episode 2x20: O'Neill gets really emotionally involved. Jacob Carter and Selmak help save the day.
1969 Episode 2x21: A freak accident strands SG-1 in 1969. Mayhem ensues.
Out of Mind Episode 2X21: Season finale. SG-1 sleeps in in a big way. Gotta love rebel insurgents.


Season 3
Into The Fire Episode 3x1: Season premiere. SG-1 and General Hammond play a rousing game of Off The Potential System Lord.
Seth Episode 3x2: SG-1 meets Seth, the lord of all things distasteful. Was anybody impressed at all?
Fair Game Episode 3x3: O'Neill ends up with the fate of the world in his hands, and his day goes straight downhill from there.
Legacy Episode 3x4: Everyone in SG-1 except Carter goes nuts.
Learning Curve Episode 3x5: Carter and O'Neill get chummy with an 11 year old Einstein. Teal'c and Daniel find out that All Is Not What It Seems. O'Neill gets emotionally involved.
Point of View Episode 3x6: The monday that wouldn't die. Evil Alternate Universe Hair runs rampant!
Deadman Switch Episode 3x7: A harsh "Return of the Jedi" flashback leaves SG-1 in the hands of a bounty hunter.
Demons Episode 3x8: SG-1 goes medieval. Dark Ages, that is.
Rules of Engagement Episode 3x9: SG-1 visits an old pet project of Apophis', and messes it all up.
Forever in a Day Episode 3x10: Daniel experiences most of his character arc in 33 minutes.
Past and Present Episode 3x11: Carter's old buddy is back, but with different hair. Daniel's abysmal luck with women makes an appearance.
Jolinar's Memories Episode 3x12: part I of II. SG-1 goes to Hell to rescue Jacob Carter and Selmak. Sunblock not necessary in the Pit.
The Devil You Know Episode 3x13: part II of II. SG1 nearly goes to hell as their plan to escape from Hell goes to hell. Bad things happen. Hell.
Foothold Episode 3x14: Carter's Day Off. A semi-crazed Carter escapes from Cheyenne mountain, tracks down Maybourne for help, shoots people, and more or less singlehandedly saves the day. CARTER: 3 UNIVERSE: 0
Pretense Episode 3x15: Skaara's body sues for divorce. O'Neill and Daniel again become co-counsels.
Urgo Episode 3x16: Fear SG-1 when they say they have an invisible friend. And a weird thing for yogurt.
A Hundred Days Episode 3x17: A three-hour tour strands O'Neill on a wrecked planet. Just guess how this turns out.
Shades of Grey Episode 3x18: O'Neill goes from Good Man to G-Man. Why do all the renegades hate Carter?
New Ground Episode 3x19: SG-1 learns that "peace" is a reciprocal thing.
Maternal Instinct Episode 3x20: Daniel goes para-Buddhist. We meet the harsesis son of Sha're, and a pretty cool monk guy.
Crystal Skull Episode 3x21: Daniel ends up on the receiving end of a freak accident involving an ancient crystal skull, scary Mayan deities, and his semi-senile uncle. Yet, it all works out in the end. Swish.
Nemesis Episode 3x22: Season finale. We find out what the Asgard's terrible enemy is: bionic termites. Evil, evil bionic termites.


Season 4
Small Victories Episode 4x1: Season premiere. Carter goes on a field trip to save the Asgard homeworld. Daniel and O'Neill have to stay home.
The Other Side Episode 4x2: O'Neill gets selective moral amnesia when dealing with alien fascist Nazi people.
Upgrades Episode 4x3: Beware Tok'ra bearing gifts. Bad things happen to SG-1.
Crossroads Episode 4x4: An old flame of Teal'c's shows up and mucks about with the S.G. program's social dynamic.
Divide and Conquer Episode 4x5: A rash of death and destruction leads to investigation. Heh.
Window of Opportunity Episode 4x6: O'Neill and Teal'c become the Kings of Groundhog Day. Mayhem ensues.
Watergate Episode 4x7: SG-1 goes on a disastrous field trip. Bad things happen to Maybourne, but who cares.
The First Ones Episode 4x8: SG1 goes on another disastrous field trip. Bad things happen to Daniel.
Scorched Earth Episode 4x9: You know you've picked a really bad spot to build a house when your front yard is being transmogrified.
Beneath the Surface Episode 4x10: SG1 gets brainwashed and put to work in a factory on KarelCapekWorld.
Point of No Return Episode 4x11: A geeky conspiracy theorist knows way too much about the Stargate program. Stop looking at me like that.
Tangent Episode 4x12: Teal'c and O'Neill get stranded in a hotwired Death Glider. Carter saves the day largely over the phone.
The Curse Episode 4x13: Sixth in the Ex Files! Daniel goes to a funeral. Danny boy's abysmal relationship mojo appears again, although Carter's status as Black Widow Spice remains truly unchallenged.
The Serpent's Venom Episode 4x14: Teal'c learns the cardinal rule of being an insurgent: plants work both ways.
Chain Reaction Episode 4x15: O'Neill makes a deal with Maybourne and does some fancy blackmailing. Carter's new nickname? "Oppenheimer."
2010 Episode 4x16: Turns out that you have to pick your allies really really carefully. Sam saves the world. Again.
Absolute Power Episode 4x17: Daniel finds the harsesis boy, Shifu, and goes through one of those internal episodes. A nasty mindmeld with several million years of malevolence. Smart one, boy-o.
The Light Episode 4x18: SG-5 bites it and SG-1 goes through brain-chemical nastiness after getting high off a visual effect. Just Say No.
Prodigy Episode 4x19: O'Neill and Teal'c babysit some cranky scientists on EnergyBugWorld. Carter saddles herself, willingly, with a brilliant cadet with an attitude. CARTER: 4 UNIVERSE: 1
Entity Episode 4x20: Carter's body is hijacked by a desperate being. Again. This one is made of energy. CARTER: 4 UNIVERSE: 2
Double Jeopardy Episode 4x21: The 'bots are back. O'Neill doesn't get along with himself. Things go foom.
Exodus Episode 4x22: Season finale. The SGC helps the Tok'ra move. Teal'c wants revenge. It all goes horribly wrong.


Season 5
Enemies Episode 5x1: Season premiere. Apophis puts the whammy-voodoo-mind-control on Teal'c, then meets everyone's favorite CG effect: the Replicators!
Threshold Episode 5x2: Teal'c must undergo an ancient ritual to learn that being brainwashed sucks!
Ascension Episode 5x3: An alien gets all squishy for Carter, and goes to the most extreme lengths like... assuming human form.
The Fifth Man Episode 5x4: 3/4ths of SG-1 gets locked up for being nuts. And now, some chamber music while O'Neill waits for rescue.
Red Sky Episode 5x5: The SGC goes to an Asgard planet only to find that they've screwed up Big Time. When "oopsie" doesn't cut the mustard.
Rite of Passage Episode 5x6: Cassandra and SG-1 learn another reason why adolescence is a big pain.
Beast of Burden Episode 5x7: SG-1 finds a civilization that enslaves the unas, and decides to muck about with their social evolution.
The Tomb Episode 5x8: Here you see a reference to both "The Mummy" and "Survivor." A Russian SG unit and SG-1 take a field trip. Who will lose the Immunity Challenge? Stay tuned!
Between Two Fires Episode 5x9: The PTBs at Stargate make Nan mad. Carter's status as Black Widow Spice passes into legend.
2001 Episode 5x10: Turns out that the Aschen are going to be in another fiver. Life sucks that way.
Desperate Measures Episode 5x11: Simmons sucks. Being strapped to a bed having your brains examined really sucks. O'Neill has to team up with Maybourne again when Carter goes missing. While we're at it, the N.I.D. really, really sucks.
Wormhole X-Treme! Episode 100! : Marty, the geek from "Point of No Return," produces a television series that bears a more than slight resemblance to the Stargate program.
Proving Ground Episode 5x13: Foothold, schmoothold. O'Neill is saddled with cadets and has to save the day. Sorta.
48 Hours Episode 5x14: Teal'c gets stuck in transit. The monday that wouldn't die? Could be. Carter gets a fan. Sorta.
Fail Safe Episode 5x15: Earth finds itself threatened from something even larger than the Goa'uld. A big rock.
Summit Episode 5x16: Daniel goes Mr. Hunt in a Mission Impossible. Minor Goa'uld system lords try to figure out a way not to die.
Last Stand Episode 5x17: Part II of II. Bad things happen to the Tok'ra. And Elliot. And SG-1.
The Warrior Episode 5x18: Teal'c gets a serious fan base among the Jaffa. A serious, heavily-armed fan base.
Menace Episode 5x19: Sometimes, you have to make an issue of the kids putting their toys away. Like, if they're a scourge on the universe. Daniel makes a friend.
The Sentinel Episode 5x20: SG-1 goes to fix the Evil SG Team's big mistake. Svarog shows up.
Meridian Episode 5x21: [summary goes unheard due to the clamors of angry Danielites]
Revelations Episode 5x22: And the Stebby ("Sucks To Be You" award) goes to... SG-1!

Season 6 hasn't aired yet in Canada, so I haven't seen any of the episodes. Bear with. Also, big thanks to Hejira for her summaries of the first nine episodes!

Season 6
Redemption Episode 6x1: Part 1 of 2. Carter and O'Neill come very close to joining the mile high club. Teal'c has parent issues. Anubis hogs the phone line.
Redemption Episode 6x2: Part 2 of 2. He really shouldn't have eaten that cake. Rya'c puts his teenage angst to good use and blows up Anubis' phone.
Descent Episode 6x3: Carter and O'Neill in a cold place -- part deux, complete with another joke about Jack's... anyway, Thor's cute, even when he's the back off a chair. Ahem.
Frozen Episode 6x4: Just because something's frozen, doesn't mean it doesn't have germs.
Abyss Episode 6x5: Daniel watches Jack go through dying over and over and over again, almost forgetting to dump the popcorn whenever they talk.
Shadow Play Episode 6x6: It's just crazy being a scientist.
The Other Guys Episode 6x7: Geeks galore.
Allegiance Episode 6x8: The enemy of my enemy is my friend, my arse.
Cure Episode 6x9: Once you pop, you can't stop. Honestly.
Prometheus Episode 6x9: News crew = bad idea. Carter channels McGyver.
Unnatural Selection Episode 6x10: The Asgard should really name a ship after Carter by this point.
Sight Unseen Episode 6x11: Stargate Rule of Thumb: Figure out what the hell it does first. O'Neill goes Will Smith.
Smoke and Mirrors Episode 6x12: Two words: Grassy Knoll. Carter and Agent Barrett go Mulder and Scully to clear O'Neill's name.
Paradise Lost Episode 6x13: The Furlings! The Furlings, do you understand! Oh yeah: O'Neill and Maybourne are stranded on some planet. The Furlings, man.
Metamorphosis Episode 6x14: Nirrti gets in touch with her inner Mengele.
Forsaken Episode 6x15: SG-1 gets between a bunch of irritated aliens and some other aliens.
Disclosure Episode 6x16: The SGC hangs in the balance as the other world powers learn of the Stargate's existence. Heavy, man.
Changeling Episode 6x17: We find out that SG-1 moonlights as the cast from Third Watch.
Memento Episode 6x18: SG-1 and the crew of the Prometheus are stranded on a planet that may or may not have a Stargate.
Prophecy Episode 6x19: Jonas gets an acute case of Cassandra Syndrome. Not the evolution thing so much as the not believing thing
Full Circle Episode 6x20: Season finale. SG-1 must defend Abydos from attack by Anubis. Daniel returns to kick some Goa'uld ass. None of it really works out.


More coming soon.

Legal notices. ### people have visited my episode index. A very small percentage of that thought the jokes were funny.